The continuing saga of a single, burgeoning stand-up comedienne/wanna-be poker ingénue/bitter corporate drone/closet hermit/hapless homeowner…living in L.A.
Well, actually it's the chocolate chunk muffin I rewarded myself with for going to the gym yesterday.
I had Brian from Carpet Wagon come out last night to give me a free, in-home estimate for carpet for my bachelorette pad. He came with about 100 books of carpet and more knowledge about remnants than any male should have. I spent about half an hour going through books and putting the samples next to my newly painted walls. I would walk towards them from different directions and move the lighting around. I’d think, “How will this look in natural light?” “How will this look with all the lamps on?” “How will this look when I come stumbling in drunk at 3 am?”
I finally settled on one and then the fun part began…haggling! I’ve learned from the best on how to get people down on price.
The first I learned from one of my company’s top sales guys- it’s
called the “Suck It.” That’s where the guy gives you the price and you suck in your breath like you were just punched in the gut.
The second I learned from my mom- it’s called “I B Poor.” I just told the dude I hadn’t planned on spending over a certain amount ‘cause I have student loans, medical bills and a bastard of an ex-husband who gets spousal support.
The final one I learned from my dad- it’s called “Take it or Leave it.”
I looked down at the paint and cat stained carpet and said “you know, this carpet can probably last me a few more years.”
The guy brought the price down nearly $400. Not too shabby.
...you should point a finger at the guy I'm having come over to paint my living room tomorrow morning. Sure he has a British accent, but so did Hannibal Lecter.
I was walking out of my apartment to my car and there were some youths playing around the laundry room. A couple of the girls had locked themselves inside and wouldn’t allow the boy in. The boy turned to me and said “Ma’am, can you unlock the door?”
I have to believe, if I were to wake up, ¾ naked, chained to a radiator in the shack of a large, black man that I would really have to do some serious soul searching.
It will cost me at least $300 to hire someone, not including paint and supplies. There’s something ingrained in me that makes it hard to justify spending money for something that I could, at least in theory, do myself. It’s not like hiring someone to wire my electricity The only skill it requires is being able to hold a brush, I guess. 
Walked 8 miles. What was I thinking signing up for a marathon? It’s not that I had trouble walking it, but it was so freakin’ boring. It was four miles down the beach at Bolsa Chica and back. The walk down was fine, but turning around and having to do the same walk back bored me to tears. I just keep reminding myself that on race day, I won’t be walking in a straight line back and forth.
Colored my hair. Yes, it’s true, I’m not a real red head.
Returned a bunch of crap to Target. I’m paring down before the big, condo redesign.
Hung out with Boyfriend. Gawd, he’s the most awesome person ever.
Turned over the cat. Yes, my time with Miss Willow came to an end. Cousin Julie came by to pick her up and now she is nothing but a furry memory. When I get a little melancholy, I need only look under the bed at all the hair she left or stare at the holes in the carpet by the door where she tried digging for
Talked to my grandmother. I try to call at least once every two weeks. She asked me if I
wanted the wedding quilt she made ages ago for all the grand kids. She’s already been able to pass them along to my brother and cousin Brandi at their weddings, but she hasn’t been able to get me mine…you know, since I’m not MARRIED AND 31 AND DID YOU KNOW THAT BY THE TIME SHE WAS MY AGE SHE HAD ALREADY HAD THREE BABIES AND SHE AND GRANDPA AREN’T GETTING ANY YOUNGER AND SHE’D REALLY LIKE TO SEE ME SETTLE DOWN. Seriously, it turned from a pleasant phone call to a full-on, all expenses paid guilt trip in 2.5 seconds.
Pulled out the summer clothes. It was 90 degrees on Sunday. It’s March. Global Warming in action.
Went to the movies. Saw Black Snake Moan. Wow, disappointing, yet unintentionally hilarious. And boy does my laugh carry in a theatre that only contains 7 people. Hung out with Boyfriend again. Two nights in a row! Did I mention he’s awesome? He’s the reason I had to force myself out of bed at 8 this morning. Everyone should be so lucky as to have an Ethan in their life. I am.
Frustrated Rant Alert! Beware.
Each and every time I send out an e-mail, or post up a flyer for a show I’m in, I get one of two questions, “Why don’t you ever have a show on (fill in the day that’s not the day of the show I’m hustling) night?” Or, “Why don’t you ever do shows (insert location near their home)?”
These are the same people who wouldn’t even get off their living room sofa if I were to set up my mike and amp in their kitchen. These will also be the people who won’t bother to pick up the remote when I’m on Letterman, or Comedy Central or Court TV!
I had not one, not two, but THREE sets of junk mail in my mailbox today. While having three sets of Arby's coupons is almost an embarrassment of riches, the three Penny Savers and three pounds of ads for Albertson's, Ralph's and Von's was almost too much for one receptacle to handle. 
day job and never see the mailPERSON) crammed two sets in, then one more set in behind it. Opening the mail today was like opening a can of peanuts from that jackass in your office who thinks the ol' spring-loaded snakes-in-a-can toy is still funny. FYI it's not.
Holy crap it’s nice outside! I just strolled to the 7/11 to enjoy a lovely Big Gulp and take in the sunshine.
I’ve been trying, without success, for three hours to get online at home. It’s so sad when you can’t count on stolen wi-fi to check your e-mail. It’s difficult calling tech support when you don’t have an account. And I can’t figure out why I can’t get online. The little wi-fi pop-up balloon says “signal strength excellent” yet nothing’s doing when I try to access my e-mail or even look for porn. And before you ask- it’s with both Explorer and everyone’s beloved Firefox.
people can actually sit in their cars on the other side of the parking lot and access it. I wish I had known that before I laid down $3.35 for a mocha. Lesson learned. Although the bigger lesson might be that I should actually stop stealing wi-fi from my neighbors and pony up the twenty-something bucks a month extra to have my own Internet access.
Besides doing stand up, Steve does hypnosis. He actually hypnotized me in hopes of riding me of my problems with procrastination. He’s got a great practice going and I highly recommend him to anyone. Buy a CD of 10.
