No Pain, No Pain

I’ve been getting up at 5:30 every morning this week to go to the gym. This discipline has left me completely exhausted at….er what time is it right now? I would sleep in a bit later if I could, but this stupid internal alarm clock of mine keeps waking me up at 5:30 a.m. And I know from experience, if I force myself to go back to sleep, that I’ll wake up at 8 completely out of it.

What I’ve found interesting is how much the difference an hour makes at the gym. It’s a completely different group of people who work out at 5:30 than work out at 6:30.

The women’s’ locker room at 5:30 am if full of half a dozen extremely overweight black women who like to sit around naked and talk; like completely unashamed naked. At 6:30 am it’s a bunch of anorexic white chicks that stand with their backs to one another using oversized beach towels to cover themselves as they get dressed.

Guess which group I like more!

At 5:30 am there is a lot more working out and a lot less talking. I completely understand, as my brain usually isn’t functioning enough to form a sentence at 5:30 am I suppose if it was able, then I could talk myself into not going to the gym. At 6:30 am it’s a bunch of old ladies who wear too much perfume and like to sit (read, not use) on the gym equipment and troll the old guys.

Another interesting side-affect of getting to the gym at 5:30 am- I work out longer. At 6:30 am I would usually only do about an hour, but coming in earlier I stay almost two. Freakin’ crazy.

I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep this schedule up. I hear that if you do something every day for 30 days you can actually make it a routine. Although if it makes me hit the sheets at 8:30 p.m. every night, I don’t know if I want it.

That'll Be an average NO!

I was on the fence about Average Joe 4: The Joes Strike Back. I watched the first Average Joe with my boy Adam and Melana, didn’t watch the second, and came back again for the third when Adam was back on as the picker-not the pickee. (And boy did he disappoint me, tisk, tisk Adam)

I watched the beginning of it tonight and I just made the decision not to get involved. There's almost too much going on. The geeks, the hot guys, the plastic surgery. What’s the point? She’s going to end up with the hot, vapid piece of meat in the end. (Hey that is dirty two different ways! And I wasn't even going for the gutter. Strange how I always end up there.)

And anyway, I’ve already decided to watch this season’s Real World, Austin (Melinda, call yourself what you want, but it’s spelled W.H.O.R.E.) And I've been off the Real World Train since Las Vegas (Trishelle makes Melinda look like a nun).

I think I can only devote myself to one reality show this summer. I am hoping with the abysmal reruns I’ll get a little more proactive with my writing, and I can’t do that if I’m glued to the TV every night. Unless The Biggest Loser 2 is slated to start anytime soon…then I’m totally in.

Job Satisfaction

My job satisfaction rating has gone up 379% today.

They are putting in a 7Eleven two doors down from my office. I can have a Slurpie or a Big Gulp any time I want.

The best part is that I can now stop going to that creepy LiquorLand (that’s the actual name) convenience store across the street. There’s a fine coat of dust on everything and the guy behind the counter always asks me why I won’t buy a lottery ticket.

That’s pretty obvious, right? How much more good fortune could possibly find me? I now have a 7Eleven within strolling distance.

The Reason People Get Cable

This is what is on at 12:30 Sunday afternoon:

ABC: PGA Golf Championships
CBS: Championship Car World Racing Series
NBC: U.S. Women’s Golf Open Championships
FOX: NASCAR

So if you don't like golf or racecars, you're SOL.

I’m So Screwed

To celebrate the end of the work week I took a run for the boarder. can’t remember the last time I was at Taco Bell, but it was well before my decision to cut off any contact with restaurants with drive thru windows. Not that there is anything wrong with the restaurants, except for the fact that it means I spend too much money and get too many empty calories.

But I wanted to try the new Crunchwrap Supreme. Despite the utterly retarded commercial featuring some dumb-ass guy at an electronics tradeshow repeating the stupid “it’s good to go” line, I was intrigued. It seemed like it was a Mexican pizza, but with a hard shell wrapped inside a soft shell al la the Supreme Taco; but it was completely self contained. There were no edges. The taco had wrapped itself in a tasty, flat cocoon of beef, tomatoes, cheese, lettuce and sour cream. I could eat it and drive! I could eat it and run on the treadmill! I could eat it and sit on the sofa watching reruns of Malcolm in the Middle on Friday night and cry, alone and unloved!



So I tried it. And it was awesome. Nothing good can happen from this discovery. I just need to break the habit quickly, otherwise people are going to start calling me Leana Supreme, and that won’t be good. Less you think I’m the only one talking about Crunchwraps on blogs, check out this site.

My only consolation is that I believe the Crunchwrap Supreme is only going to be around for a limited time. I just need to avoid if for the next 6 months to 3 years. That shouldn’t be a problem. Shouldn’t be a problem, not thinking about the Crunchwrap Supreme….not going to put on my shoes and drive to the 24-hour taco bell on Del Amo….not going……

How Easily I can Talk Myself out of the Gym

5:50 a.m. (alarm goes off) NO, No, No, tooooo early. But I have to get up, must lose 180 pounds for swimsuit season. And I’m not soooo exhausted, I could get up.

5:52 a.m. (out of bed and trying to wrestle myself into my sports bra)

5:55 a.m. (brushing teeth and putting my mated hair into a ponytail)

5:57 a.m. (Actually already dressed and gathering my towel and water bottle) I’m feeling pretty good, I bet I could do an extra 20 minutes of cardio this morning. Maybe I’ll even break out the jump rope!

5:58 a.m. (Grab purse and open front door) Wait, where are my headphones?

5:59 a.m. (Realize I left my headphones at the office.) There is no way in hell I’m doing an hour of cardio without my headphones.

6:00 a.m. (Contemplate just working out at home.)

6:01 a.m. (Rip off my sports bra and jump back into bed.)

How Right-On is This?

Freaky.....try it.

Your Birthdate: January 30

Your birthday on the 30th day of the month shows individual self-expression is necessary for your happiness.

You tend to have a good way of expressing yourself with words, certainly in a manner that is clear and understandable.

You have a good chance of success in fields requiring skill with words.

You can be very dramatic in your presentation and you may be a good actor or a natural mimic.

You have a vivid imagination that can assist you in becoming a good writer or story-teller. Strong in your opinions, you always tend to think you are on the right side of an issue. There may be a tendency to scatter your energies and have a lot of loose ends in your work.

You may have significant artistic talent and be very creative.

Batman Shmatman

Batman Begins blew the big one. I'm not a huge fan of the franchise, but the trailers and commercials had me pretty intrigued. I went with some work friends on Friday and the best part of the evening was that I didn’t have to buy my own ticket.

The one redeeming aspect of the movie was the guy who played Dr. Jonathan Crane "aka the Scarecrow”, Cillian Murphy. Let me tell you, he’s all kinds of sexy. Christian Bale looks like a troll compared to him.



He’s got this tasty psycho killer, choir boy thing going. Plus he’s got the loveliest blue eyes. But doing my initial stalking rituals I have a feeling he’s got a kind of Russell Crowe/Val Kilmer thing going for him. I’ll keep tabs on him though.

I did read that he was up for the part of Batman. It’s too bad, it might have made the entire, freakin’ 2 hours and 21 minutes much more bearable.

Captain Obvious

My friend Bobby in Iowa was nice enough to e-mail me this news bulletin:

EARTHQUAKE WITH PRELIMINARY MAGNITUDE OF 5.3 SHAKES SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA **Watch FOX News Channel for more.

Thanks a pant-load Bob. I had wondered what that shaking was all about today.

The Worst

I was the worst babysitter in the world. I would do as little as possible while I was watching children. In my defense, I would be making a buck an hour to watch four kids. It’s amazing how little parents are willing to pay people to watch their children. I actually think some of the people who asked me to baby sit would have been fine just chaining their kids up in the back yard.

Not to say I was a better alternative to bondage. I would let those kids do anything as long as it didn’t interfere with my view of the television. They could juggle knives or splash around in bleach and I was pretty much indifferent.

My favorite trick was when the oldest kid would want to go down the street to the neighbors or to the park three blocks over. I would only let her go if she would take her little sister with her. Tada, no kids to interfere with my television watching.

I’m so lucky that none of the kids in my charge were kidnapped or worse. I would hate to have anyone like me watch children. *shudder*

I hope I’m a cautionary tale to parents out there…pay your ‘sitters well!!!

Whatever, Gosh!

According to this quiz, I’m Trisha. I would completely disregard the findings, except it also said my boss is Tater Tots, which completely makes sense.

Which character are you?

Bloggers Beware

This doesn't really apply to me, as I love my job and would never say a negative thing about it, but to my fellow bloggers; check yourself!

Random, Random, Random

My gig on Saturday night went extremely well. Now I only need 3,108 more nights like that one.

I need a vacation to recover from my vacation.

There are 6 condos in my complex for sale right now. My real estate agent says this is a good thing.

I say “when I worked at the Coffee Bean” way too much.

People who don’t clean the lint trap when they are done using a community dryer need to be taken out into a field and shot.

I’m not a drinker.

Chocolate can take the place of love.

My friends are better friends than I am.

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results then I’m nuts daily!

I need to be better at updating my blog.

Prelude to a Show

FADE IN:

INT. MALL, SOMEWHERE IN L.A. -- DAY

Leana Blog Reader: Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Non-Leana Blog Reader: Oh I don’t know. I thought I’d just hang out at home and alphabetize my CDs by genre, artist and kiss-ability. What are you doing?

LBR: I’m going to go see Leana do stand up at It’s a Grind, 15333 Culver Dr. in Irvine. She show starts at 8 p.m.

NLBR: Really? I’ve been meaning to see Leana do stand up. I hear she does poop jokes.

LBR: Where did you hear that?

NLBR: (pause)…somewhere.

LBR: You liar.

NLBR: Ok, I didn’t hear she does poop jokes, I just always imagined she did.

LBR: Well, you could be right. Why don’t you come with me? It’s always a good show. She books it with her comedy Buddy Devin Dugan. They have giveaways, awesome coffee and it’s always a packed house.

NLBR: Sounds like a plan. I can always wait to alphabetize my CDs. I only have three anyway.

LBR: Why do I hang out with you?

NLBR: ‘Cause I’m your mother.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC, THEN...)

FADE to BLACK.

Happy Friday One and All!

I have the day off and I’m showing two of my favorite Madrid-ites around the great state of California. They’ve already been shown lovely LAX, rush-hour traffic on the 405 and the flavors of authentic Mexican food at Taco Bell.

Today it’s all about showing them the spot where I ran the red light and got a ticket, the new Target by my house and how to buy a dime bag from the punk ass skate boarder who lives across the street.

Men Are Clueless

Please accept evidence marked Leana’s exhibit #1,361:

When you forward a guy an e-mail from Carnival Cruises about the cheap trips down to Baja, Mexico, it’s not because you want to prove a point to him about all the spam that shows up in your inbox.

Leana’s Inferno

The only thing more annoying than Robin Williams, is watching a TV movie about Robin Williams. Ohmygawd. The actor playing Robin was dead-on. He was able to perfectly capture the freakishly annoying manic energy of a young Robin Williams. Two minutes into the show I wanted to step on his face, the exact same feeling I get when I see the real Robin Williams on the The Tonight Show or Letterman. I think I actually screamed “shut up!” out loud twice.

The movie was pretty interesting actually. I didn’t realize Robin Williams was the last person to see John Belushi alive-I mean besides the chick that killed him.

I did think that the casting was pretty good. They guy playing Robin Williams was awesome. And the chick that played Pam Dawber was dead-on. I also liked the guy who played Garry Marshall. He’s got a franchise if they decide to make a TV-movie about Laverne and Shirley and Happy Days. The obvious exceptions to the casting were the guys who played Fonzie, John Belushi and Jay Thomas. Oh and the only similarity between Richard Pryer and the guy who played him in this movie was that they were both black. And I’m being extremely gracious.

What I don’t understand most was why they bothered to make this TV movie at all. ABC has done these types of movies before with Gilligan’s Island and Three’s Company. Those were two pretty long-running shows with some real drama involved. Mork and Mindy was only on three years and the only drama was that Robin Williams was a comic genius that kept his cast mates in stitches and who pretty much let the writers sit back and pick their asses. Oh, that’s juicy!

Actually what I don’t understand most is why I watched all two hours. I think I must really hate myself. Excuse me while I go pull out my leg hair with those rusty tweezers.*

*Please understand that I know there are those people out there who might like Robin Williams, even think he’s funny. Don’t get me wrong, I applaud his long career and would kill to even be 1/10 as successful as he is. I just don’t think he’s funny. Now, where are those tweezers???

Ode to the Cat

My kitchen smells like cat pee.

Why does my kitchen smell like cat pee?

I don’t have a cat.

What the hell?

The old owner had a cat. He even put the liter box in the dining area, on the carpet.

How gross is that?

I had the carpet cleaned when I moved in, hoping that would take care of it.

And I never smelled the pee after I moved in.

Not until today.

Why me God, why me!!!

Can I Get a Hell Ya'???

Ever heard of Revenge Comedy? Most likely not, as I just invented it.

Most of the time when someone does something shitty to you, you can’t do much about it. You know, if someone cuts you off on the freeway, or a co-worker steals your diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper out of the fridge at work, or if some Skeezy Skank Hole™ owes you $20 but won’t pay you back ‘cause she’s a fat bag of shit, you end up just sucking it up to a lesson learned. I usually find those lessons a bunch of shit and I hate having to leave it to karma to exact its own revenge against Asshat Driver, Klepto Co-worker and Lice-Ridden Ho bag.

But then I realized… I have comedy. I can use comedy to exact my revenge over everyone who has ever done me wrong. Sure I might change a name or exaggerate a story for comedic effect, but those people will know who I’m talking about, oh yes…they will.

Ok, so it’s not better than tracking down those people and smacking them upside the head with the butt of my gun, but I’m pretty sure revenge comedy won’t get me 20 to life.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

I think I’m finally out of my funk (yes I said funk with an N, not a C). I’ve been feeling crappy since returning from my Vegas trip, which only forced me to face my own mortality. Or to be more correct-my age. Oh my gawd. It has literally taken me five days to recover from a one night stay in Vegas. I could make up excuses and say it was because I think I had a cold coming on even before I left for Vegas, but I have to believe it more has to do with waking up two days in a row at 4 AM, not drinking any water and spending most of my money on fried Oreos and heroine. That, and the fact that I’m old. Crap, I think I feel another funk coming on….