Updates, Updates, Updates
I updated the upcoming gigs page on LeanaBenson.com as well as on the right hand side of this here blog. Hope to see you there!
Monday, May 30, 2005
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
I Can't Believe it's not Tiger!
Will your State Fair feature a butter Tiger Woods? I don't think so.
Johnny Rivers is also going to be headlining there. Two reasons to visit Iowa in August.
Johnny Rivers is also going to be headlining there. Two reasons to visit Iowa in August.
A Poem
These things are good
Alias Season Finale, this weekend’s drive to Vegas,
Seeing money in the bank,
the color of my hair,
and the sun shining on my face.
These things are a drag
dust on all my furniture,
clothes that don’t fit,
jury duty in Compton,
and the sun, shining on my face.
Alias Season Finale, this weekend’s drive to Vegas,
Seeing money in the bank,
the color of my hair,
and the sun shining on my face.
These things are a drag
dust on all my furniture,
clothes that don’t fit,
jury duty in Compton,
and the sun, shining on my face.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Mirror, Mirror on the Ground
It only took me 3 years, five months and 4 days to finally knock the passenger-side mirror off my car door.
As I was pulling out of the garage this morning, half asleep and not paying attention, I hit the side of the door and it snapped right off. I looks like a clean break (didn't even scratch the glass), and in my denial-filled brain it looks like it could be easy for the fine folks at Saturn to reattach for a modest fee.
Because we are keeping record, it only took me 5 days to knock the driver's side mirror off my last car. Then three weeks after that I knocked it off again.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Weiner Alert!
To everyone in Southern California within the sound of my Blog: get to the Kmart on Bellflower Blvd. right off the 405 as soon as you can. I repeat, get to Kmart NOW! Because now until 4 p.m. they are offering a hot dog and can of Pepsi with Lime for 50 cents!
This is not some terribly late April Fools Day joke, this is for real. I dropped by this morning to check out Jacquelyn Smith’s new summer line and saw the huge banner up out front. 50 cents! I asked the gentleman who was grilling the hot dogs if it was true; 50 cents for hot dog (bun included) and an ice cold can of Pepsi. He said it was true. I then asked what year it was; sure I had somehow been magically transported to 1950. He looked at me oddly and told me that it was indeed still 2005. I should have known because Pepsi with Lime hadn’t even been imagined 55 years ago.
Even though I was totally broke I was able to fish enough change out of my purse to get the meal. I think if I look through my sofa cushions I’ll be able to go back later to get seconds!
Hope to see you there!
This is not some terribly late April Fools Day joke, this is for real. I dropped by this morning to check out Jacquelyn Smith’s new summer line and saw the huge banner up out front. 50 cents! I asked the gentleman who was grilling the hot dogs if it was true; 50 cents for hot dog (bun included) and an ice cold can of Pepsi. He said it was true. I then asked what year it was; sure I had somehow been magically transported to 1950. He looked at me oddly and told me that it was indeed still 2005. I should have known because Pepsi with Lime hadn’t even been imagined 55 years ago.
Even though I was totally broke I was able to fish enough change out of my purse to get the meal. I think if I look through my sofa cushions I’ll be able to go back later to get seconds!
Hope to see you there!
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Wasn't That a Pauly Shore Movie?
Good news: I called and I don’t have to report to the Compton Court House on Monday to start my jury duty. Bad new: I will have to keep calling the rest of the week to find out which day I do have to go in and serve.
I’m just glad it’s not going to have to be Monday. I’ve been away from the office for a week and I’m pretty the vultures have already begun circling my desk. I just hope they haven’t picked my desk clean of my stapler, paper clips and collection of thumb tacks.
I was reading the literature that came with my jury summons. I was most concerned with the dress code. Unfortunately it says “shorts, tank tops, bare midriffs or similar dress are not allowed in the courthouse.” That pretty much excludes my entire closet. I’m going to have to go over to Ross’s Dress for Less this afternoon.
I’m actually excited about jury duty. I’ve never been called before. It’s our civic duty to do jury duty, you know. While I wouldn’t want to get stuck on a trial that lasted 3 months, I wouldn’t try to whine my way out of serving. Some of my friends tried giving me ideas on things to say that would get me excluded to serve. But I figure if I just answer honestly to any questions asked of me, I would be sent home right quick. I’d probably also have to wear a bullet proof vest out of the courthouse and need to be escorted to my car by five burly police officers. I might have to even consider the witness protection program. Maybe there is such a thing as to honest.
I’m just glad it’s not going to have to be Monday. I’ve been away from the office for a week and I’m pretty the vultures have already begun circling my desk. I just hope they haven’t picked my desk clean of my stapler, paper clips and collection of thumb tacks.
I was reading the literature that came with my jury summons. I was most concerned with the dress code. Unfortunately it says “shorts, tank tops, bare midriffs or similar dress are not allowed in the courthouse.” That pretty much excludes my entire closet. I’m going to have to go over to Ross’s Dress for Less this afternoon.
I’m actually excited about jury duty. I’ve never been called before. It’s our civic duty to do jury duty, you know. While I wouldn’t want to get stuck on a trial that lasted 3 months, I wouldn’t try to whine my way out of serving. Some of my friends tried giving me ideas on things to say that would get me excluded to serve. But I figure if I just answer honestly to any questions asked of me, I would be sent home right quick. I’d probably also have to wear a bullet proof vest out of the courthouse and need to be escorted to my car by five burly police officers. I might have to even consider the witness protection program. Maybe there is such a thing as to honest.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Dear Blog,
Oh how I’ve missed you. You know I wouldn’t be away from you a single moment unless I absolutely had to. But the job, she calls… and I must answer.
Philadelphia has been my home for the last week and, oddly enough, the tech-filled tradeshow I had to work didn’t have the greatest Internet access. And although I do love you dear Blog, I was not going to pay $20 a day to have Internet access in my hotel room.
I must leave you again precious Blog, but only long enough to throw a load of laundry into the dryer and find a place in the bathroom for the 17 tiny bottles of hotel shampoo and conditioner I’ve recently acquired.
Hugs and Kisses,
LB
Philadelphia has been my home for the last week and, oddly enough, the tech-filled tradeshow I had to work didn’t have the greatest Internet access. And although I do love you dear Blog, I was not going to pay $20 a day to have Internet access in my hotel room.
I must leave you again precious Blog, but only long enough to throw a load of laundry into the dryer and find a place in the bathroom for the 17 tiny bottles of hotel shampoo and conditioner I’ve recently acquired.
Hugs and Kisses,
LB
Thursday, May 12, 2005
You Know What You Can do with Your Street Smarts?
You know, I was rooting for Tana on this season’s Apprentice. She’s from Iowa and really seemed to have a good (for lack of a better phrase) head on her shoulders. But tonight she just totally turned me off. She was talking about how she didn’t go to college and how she had to learn everything on the streets*. She compared herself to her opponent Kendra and said she didn’t go to college and have everything handed to her.
Just an FYI Lady, going to college and having things handed to you do not go hand-in-hand. Nobody helped me pay for college; I still have monthly student loan payments to prove it. And there are plenty of people out there who could have had college paid for them, and they chose not to go.
What really turned me against Tana was that she claims she made the bigger sacrifice because she left her husband and two kids at home to try for the apprentice job, while Kendra left no one.
Well good for you Tana, how great that you can so easily abandon your family. That shows us all a lot. Unfortunately Kendra didn’t get knocked up, drop out of school and start selling make-up to support her lazy ass husband.**
* I don't know if you can really claim anywhere in Iowa as "the streets."
**I have no idea if any of that last sentence is true, but for dramatic effect that’s how I’m ending it. To quote a wise friend of mine, “Suck it, fucker.”
Just an FYI Lady, going to college and having things handed to you do not go hand-in-hand. Nobody helped me pay for college; I still have monthly student loan payments to prove it. And there are plenty of people out there who could have had college paid for them, and they chose not to go.
What really turned me against Tana was that she claims she made the bigger sacrifice because she left her husband and two kids at home to try for the apprentice job, while Kendra left no one.
Well good for you Tana, how great that you can so easily abandon your family. That shows us all a lot. Unfortunately Kendra didn’t get knocked up, drop out of school and start selling make-up to support her lazy ass husband.**
* I don't know if you can really claim anywhere in Iowa as "the streets."
**I have no idea if any of that last sentence is true, but for dramatic effect that’s how I’m ending it. To quote a wise friend of mine, “Suck it, fucker.”
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Ms. Benson if You're Nasty
I’m pretty sure I’m going to keep my maiden name if I ever do break down and get married. The only way I wouldn’t is if my future husband has a really rockin’ last name, like Rockefeller or Aerosmith.
It’s all or nothing though. I’m not going to do the hyphenated thing. I just think it sets a bad precedent. There are the people that give their kids their hyphenated last name. Some day we could have kids with hyphenated last names marrying one another and suddenly we have doubled hyphenated names all over the place. Then all hell will break loose. Banks would have to extend the signature line on checks. High school football jerseys would have to extend all the way around to the front. And don’t even get me started on I.D. bracelets.
I might consider taking my husband’s name if it sounds better than Leana Benson, but that’s going to be pretty tough. And Benson is a pretty strong last name. People don’t mispronounce it or misspell it. Although people in L.A. sometimes think I’m saying V instead of B. Are there a lot of Vensons in the world? I would like to meet a Venson. I don’t think I’d change my last name to Venson though if I married a Venson. And I certainly wouldn’t hyphenate it. Leana Benson-Venson is just asking to get a slap upside the head.
It’s all or nothing though. I’m not going to do the hyphenated thing. I just think it sets a bad precedent. There are the people that give their kids their hyphenated last name. Some day we could have kids with hyphenated last names marrying one another and suddenly we have doubled hyphenated names all over the place. Then all hell will break loose. Banks would have to extend the signature line on checks. High school football jerseys would have to extend all the way around to the front. And don’t even get me started on I.D. bracelets.
I might consider taking my husband’s name if it sounds better than Leana Benson, but that’s going to be pretty tough. And Benson is a pretty strong last name. People don’t mispronounce it or misspell it. Although people in L.A. sometimes think I’m saying V instead of B. Are there a lot of Vensons in the world? I would like to meet a Venson. I don’t think I’d change my last name to Venson though if I married a Venson. And I certainly wouldn’t hyphenate it. Leana Benson-Venson is just asking to get a slap upside the head.
My Blog Comes True!
So a bunch of us were sitting at lunch yesterday talking about nothing in particular, and all the sudden, one of the guys says: “I haven’t seen my neighbor in three months and now it’s starting to smell outside his apartment.”
WWWWWhat??? Now this sentence smacks of an old blog entry I wrote about my neighbor. My neighbor eventually turned up so all is well, but this story sounded a bit more unsettling.
Apparently the dude is quite reclusive. He has lived in that apartment since 1976 and left explicit instructions with the landlord that he didn’t want to be bothered. So when my coworker talked to the landlord, the dude was all “not my problem, he’s paid up in advance.”
So everyone at the lunch table told our coworker that he needed to call the police.
Cut to today: the guy comes over to tell me that he did call the police, an officer came over and they did find the neighbor- DEAD!
According to the coroner, the guy had been dead at least three months. Apparently as soon as the officer got to the guy’s front door he said, “Yeah he’s probably dead.” The dude had changed his locks so the landlord couldn’t get in, and the cop had to break a window and crawl in. He made my co-worker go in with him and he saw the body! I couldn’t even imagine.
The sad thing is, this guy has no family, no next of kin and apparently my co-worker was the only neighbor in the whole entire complex who even took a moment to find out what had happened to him.
I would like to think that if I disappeared that someone would take a moment to at least find out if I’m still breathing. Just an FYI, I have a lot of cool stuff in my house. You don’t want to get my stuff if it smells like dead, rotting Leana, do you?
WWWWWhat??? Now this sentence smacks of an old blog entry I wrote about my neighbor. My neighbor eventually turned up so all is well, but this story sounded a bit more unsettling.
Apparently the dude is quite reclusive. He has lived in that apartment since 1976 and left explicit instructions with the landlord that he didn’t want to be bothered. So when my coworker talked to the landlord, the dude was all “not my problem, he’s paid up in advance.”
So everyone at the lunch table told our coworker that he needed to call the police.
Cut to today: the guy comes over to tell me that he did call the police, an officer came over and they did find the neighbor- DEAD!
According to the coroner, the guy had been dead at least three months. Apparently as soon as the officer got to the guy’s front door he said, “Yeah he’s probably dead.” The dude had changed his locks so the landlord couldn’t get in, and the cop had to break a window and crawl in. He made my co-worker go in with him and he saw the body! I couldn’t even imagine.
The sad thing is, this guy has no family, no next of kin and apparently my co-worker was the only neighbor in the whole entire complex who even took a moment to find out what had happened to him.
I would like to think that if I disappeared that someone would take a moment to at least find out if I’m still breathing. Just an FYI, I have a lot of cool stuff in my house. You don’t want to get my stuff if it smells like dead, rotting Leana, do you?
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Monday, May 09, 2005
Everything I Know, I Learned from Dirty Dancing
I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the summer of 1988. I was 12. I took away my mom’s control over my hair (read: no more Ogilvy™ Home Perms), I finally had a reason to wear a bra and I learned to apply make up without looking like a whore-clown.
I saw the movie Dirty Dancing for the first time. I thought it was the Greatest. Movie. Ever. It had everything I loved in a movie; great music, dancing and an easy-to-follow plot. It also taught me a lot of life lessons, several of which I still hold close to this very day. Here are just a few:
1) God wouldn't have given you maracas if He didn't want you to shake 'em.
2) Don’t date waiters.
3) Cut-off shorts and white button-down shirts are always in style.
4) Don’t get an abortion from a guy with a fold up table and a rusty knife.
5) Nobody puts Baby in a corner. Not even Jerry Orbach. RIP
I saw the movie Dirty Dancing for the first time. I thought it was the Greatest. Movie. Ever. It had everything I loved in a movie; great music, dancing and an easy-to-follow plot. It also taught me a lot of life lessons, several of which I still hold close to this very day. Here are just a few:
1) God wouldn't have given you maracas if He didn't want you to shake 'em.
2) Don’t date waiters.
3) Cut-off shorts and white button-down shirts are always in style.
4) Don’t get an abortion from a guy with a fold up table and a rusty knife.
5) Nobody puts Baby in a corner. Not even Jerry Orbach. RIP
I'll Bring the Marshmallows!
I truly believe there is a special room in hell for people who do horrible things to animals and children. It’s not just the normal Bible fare with the fire and the brimstone and the pain, it’s much worse.
It includes beatings, wedges and salt in wounds. It includes broken bones allowed to heal incorrectly. It includes never ending Charlie-horses. It includes leg hair being pulled out with rusty tweezers. It includes a room full of televisions blaring Andie McDowell movies twenty-four hours a day at full volume. The only thing that allows me to have any peace after reading a story like this is that this puke is going to have to be held accountable, if not in this life, than in the next, for what he’s done.
Don't get me wrong, if I meet the scum before he makes it to the next life, I'll be more than happy to get started with the broken bones and leg pulling and Andie McDowell movie marathon watching.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Don't Believe Anything You Read
I read this article in Fitness magazine about a chick named Julie who went from 330 to 165 pounds in a year. She started walking, eating vegetables and taking in a daily dose of meth**. She was so into the working out that she started training for a triathlon. None of this is terribly annoying, but then I read about her biggest temptation: chocolate. “I’m careful to eat it as a special treat in small portions. After I finished the triathlon, I celebrated with a single Reece’s peanut butter cup.”
Are you shitting me? A single peanut butter cup? If I just ran 20 miles, biked around the earth and swam the length of a football field, a single peanut butter cup wouldn’t even begin to cut it. I don’t even get out of bed in the morning without the incentive of caramel and nugget awaiting me in my bathroom snack pantry. Last week I took the stairs instead of the elevator up to my office and rewarded myself with a turkey. Every night I reward myself for cleaning my plate with an extra quart of ice cream. I think you get where I’m coming from.
**Meth is presumed, but I mean…come on….
Are you shitting me? A single peanut butter cup? If I just ran 20 miles, biked around the earth and swam the length of a football field, a single peanut butter cup wouldn’t even begin to cut it. I don’t even get out of bed in the morning without the incentive of caramel and nugget awaiting me in my bathroom snack pantry. Last week I took the stairs instead of the elevator up to my office and rewarded myself with a turkey. Every night I reward myself for cleaning my plate with an extra quart of ice cream. I think you get where I’m coming from.
**Meth is presumed, but I mean…come on….
Blog of Revelations
Things I’ve realized, just this weekend:
I am too old to sleep on the floor.
Spoilers on Saturns are just stupid.
You can’t expect other people to care more about your career than you.
There is such a thing as TOO MUCH cheese.
Some women should know better than leave the house without a bra. I am one of those women.
The dishes in my sink won’t do themselves. Even if I do fill the sink with water and leave a sponge in it.
The weekend is almost over.
I am too old to sleep on the floor.
Spoilers on Saturns are just stupid.
You can’t expect other people to care more about your career than you.
There is such a thing as TOO MUCH cheese.
Some women should know better than leave the house without a bra. I am one of those women.
The dishes in my sink won’t do themselves. Even if I do fill the sink with water and leave a sponge in it.
The weekend is almost over.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Shake Your Groove Thang
To say I’m not a big drinker is an understatement. I’m pretty sure I drank way more BEFORE I turned 21 than after. Interesting how that happens. During my visit to Chicago my friend Liz turned the big 28.
To celebrate, my friend Annie and I took her to a Tapas restaurant on Thursday night. I’m pretty sure it was the first of two pitchers of sangria that got me buzzed. And it didn’t stop there. After dinner we meet up with some old ISU chums. Well, actually they were members of Annie’s male fan club. That girl has more admirers than a young Jodie Foster.
Liz, Leana and Annie
There was a really good band playing, but the music was so loud I could feel my ears bleeding, which apparently many of the guys found sexy. I proceeded to drink whisky sours, beer and shots of Jameson (just ‘cause someone said I couldn’t) and make a fool of myself on the dance floor. I think Liz and Annie just sat back and thought “she must not get out much.” It’s so true.
Did you know the bars stay open ‘til 4 a.m. in Chicago? I do! Somehow I managed to avoid a hangover but Liz and I were pretty much wrecked for all of the next day. I don’t think I’ll be doing that again soon. Although tomorrow is Friday…
To celebrate, my friend Annie and I took her to a Tapas restaurant on Thursday night. I’m pretty sure it was the first of two pitchers of sangria that got me buzzed. And it didn’t stop there. After dinner we meet up with some old ISU chums. Well, actually they were members of Annie’s male fan club. That girl has more admirers than a young Jodie Foster.
Liz, Leana and Annie
There was a really good band playing, but the music was so loud I could feel my ears bleeding, which apparently many of the guys found sexy. I proceeded to drink whisky sours, beer and shots of Jameson (just ‘cause someone said I couldn’t) and make a fool of myself on the dance floor. I think Liz and Annie just sat back and thought “she must not get out much.” It’s so true.
Did you know the bars stay open ‘til 4 a.m. in Chicago? I do! Somehow I managed to avoid a hangover but Liz and I were pretty much wrecked for all of the next day. I don’t think I’ll be doing that again soon. Although tomorrow is Friday…
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Caution: Lame Post Ahead
I’m trying to recount some highlights of my vacation. I now wish I had taken notes as there were many hi-larious moments. But I can’t seem to recall any one in particular. It’s all a blur.
I’ve been really slow getting back into the groove at work. I’m still in vacation mode. I have a gig tomorrow night and I haven’t looked at any of my material in weeks.
Perhaps later I’ll have something more interesting to say. For now, I’ll leave you with another funny picture, straight from Dad.
I’ve been really slow getting back into the groove at work. I’m still in vacation mode. I have a gig tomorrow night and I haven’t looked at any of my material in weeks.
Perhaps later I’ll have something more interesting to say. For now, I’ll leave you with another funny picture, straight from Dad.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
I'm Baaaaaaackkkkk
I'm super worn out from my trip. It was part vacation, part bridge-building, two-part vermouth. I’ll go into more detail about the trip once I’ve gotten unpacked and settled. But let me leave you with the greatest picture ever.
My dad has this stuffed guinea pig in his bedroom. I saw it and laughed for a good solid hour. It’s holding Nunchucks! That’s right, I said Nunchucks. It’s a guinea pig. It’s even funnier if you knew my dad.
My dad has this stuffed guinea pig in his bedroom. I saw it and laughed for a good solid hour. It’s holding Nunchucks! That’s right, I said Nunchucks. It’s a guinea pig. It’s even funnier if you knew my dad.
