Clair Del's Most Wanted

I was listing to Conway and Steckler on 97.1 tonight. They were talking about the whole Michael Jackson circus and how nowadays adults have to be so careful around children, for fear they may be wrongly accused of molestation. One of the callers was talking about Megan’s Law and the sex offender registry.

That got me to thinking. I went to the California registry and I found out I HAVE A SEX OFFENDER NEXT DOOR TO ME!!! WTF?? Next door. To me! Where I live. And it’s the only listed sex offender within 20 miles. What luck. Now I know how sometimes crimes sound worse than what they really are, so I looked up the specific offences and converted them to English.

1) f288(c)(1) LEWD OR LASCIVIOUS ACTS WITH CHILD 14 OR 15 YEARS OLD. This is a sexual act with a person under 15. Ok, maybe he was 18 and his girlfriend was 15.

2) 288(a) LEWD OR LASCIVIOUS ACTS WITH CHILD UNDER 14 YEARS. This is any touching of a child, less than 14. in a sexual manner. Um, yeah, there goes that theory. Maybe it was a misunderstanding.

3) 288(b) LEWD OR LASCIVIOUS ACTS WITH CHILD UNDER 14 YEARS W/FORCE. This is oral sex with a minor with force. Ok, you can't misunderstand forced oral sex.

4) 288(c)(1) LEWD OR LASCIVIOUS ACTS WITH CHILD 14 OR 15 YEARS OLD. This is oral sex with a minor if the person is under 14 and the defendant is 10 or more years older than the defendant. That freakin' piece of shit, baby raper!

5) f243.4(a) SEXUAL BATTERY. This is just what it sounds like, beating someone. Where's my pitchfork and torch? I just had it.

I hit the sex offender jackpot! Actually, it looks like this guy probably committed this crime on one child and received a bunch of charges. Or maybe not. I don’t know. It doesn't matter, he's still slim.

Is it awful that I feel a bit better knowing he doesn’t rape adults, just kids? Yes that’s awful. I take it back.

I can’t say I’m surprised that there’s a sex offender on my block. I bet if there was a way to do a search on all the convicted drug dealers and petty thieves on my cul de sac I’d have to spend three days just looking through all the listings.

Either way I’m glad I have my gun. I must go polish it, set up the trip wire and release the hounds.

Yes, The Right Thing to Do

My birthday Wrap Up

I had a lovely birthday thanks for asking. It didn’t involve as much alcohol or police chases as in years’ past, but it was nice none the less.

As I wrote in a previous blog my friends took me out for dinner and karaoke Saturday night. There were about 10 of us crammed into a small room singing Walk Like an Egyptian and Queen of Hearts ‘til nearly 2 in the morning. Would could be better?

Sunday morning I managed to crawl out of bed by 11 a.m. I had to be at Aunt Linda’s by 1 pm for my special spaghetti dinner. I hung out with my aunt and cousins ‘til about 5. They are always a good time. I know way too much about them though. *shudder*

The only let down to my birthday was my dad forgetting…AGAIN! This is the second time in three years he’s forgotten my birthday. The only upside is the extra special guilt gift I’ll get when he realizes he forgot his only daughter’s birthday. All I can say is the cat’s in the cradle if you know what I mean!!!!

A few more highlights from my b-day:

My gift certificate from Hugh to E-bags. Yet another outlet for my purse addiction, thank you very much.

My mom calling me every day last week to make sure she didn’t miss my b-day, and singing Happy Birthday 15 times.

A lovely, heartfelt e-mail from my Aunt Carol that made me bawl like a baby.

The half-dozen balloons from my friend Lisa that impaired my driving all the way home.

Birthday wishes from the guy who books me at Martini Blues. How come he remembers and not my father? Did I mention that the cat’s in the cradle???

Birthday Eve

Ohmygosh, I’m so excited. It’s one day ‘til my birthday. I’m actually surprised I haven’t been gushing about it on my blog, but I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had the time to devote to the pre-birthday show I usually put on. Plus I’ve been sick most of the week and haven’t felt much like par-taying.

Of course everyone at work knew about my birthday for the last month. I find it’s easier to lay it all on the table in advance, “yes, my birthday is coming up and I expect each of you to observe it.”

The marketing dept. surprised me with one of those scrumptious chocolate fudge brownies with ice cream from EJ Malloys. EJ’s is “the” place to go for birthday celebrations because they give the birthday boy, or girl in this case, a chocolate fudge brownie for free. We take everyone in the office there for their birthday, even if we don’t like them, just so we can get a spoonful of the brownie.

EJ’s was booked for Friday lunch so the dept. is going to take me out on Tuesday to celebrate. That’s fine, totally fine. So I get brownie again! My trainer would kill me if he read this.

Tonight some of my friends are taking me out to Curry House in Korea Town and then out for an evening of karaoke. They have these private rooms you can rent so you only have to worry about embarrassing yourself in front of your friends. Plus you don’t have to wait an hour to get up on stage to perform. It’s quite efficient. I plan on getting my Neil Diamond on, and if I can get my friend Hugh drunk enough, he’ll be singing me a medley of Cher songs by midnight.

And I hope to have photos to show for it all.

Strollerville at Disneyland

Reason # 2,538 why I will never reproduce

It's High Up Here on My Soapbox

I was wrestling with the decision to even bring up this subject. I wanted my weblog to be a fun little place for people to read the clever rantings of a brilliant comic mind. I didn’t want it to turn into some political forum or a place for me to rant about the injustices of the world. But I just can’t not comment on the tragic events of today on the train tracks.

I’m a big fan of the idea of free will. Every day we wake up and make choices; to get out of bed or not, to go to the gym or not, to eat a bowl of Kellogg’s Special K with Vanilla Almonds or two. Nobody forces us to get out of bed. Of course if we don’t we’ll probably lose our jobs, wont be able to pay the rent and end up living on the street- but that’s a choice. Our own choice.

And suicide is a choice. No matter what your moral or ethically feelings are about the subject, it’s a choice. A pretty permanent choice I wouldn’t recommend, but if you decide that life would be better off without you in it, then by all means, that’s your choice.

But don’t take other people with you on your exit from this planet. THEY chose to get out of bed that morning, to go to work, to try to make it to see the next day.

So go ahead and off yourself, but make sure to go it alone. Take some pills and go to sleep, slit your wrists in a warm bathtub, sit in your garage with the car running, whatever. Don’t jump out a tall building where you could land on others, don’t drive your car into on-coming traffic, and don’t, whatever you do, jump from an overpass and hold up rush-hour traffic.

Calling Ralph on the Porcelain Phone

I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick.
I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick.
I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick.
I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick.
I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick.
I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick.
I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick.
I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick.
I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick.
I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick.
I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick.
I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick.
I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick. I’m so sick.

I'm the Blogging Queen

Check out all the posts I've been putting up tonight. Woohoo! I hope this makes up for the weeks I've gone without posting previously.

I'm still trying to figure out how to post photos within a post instead of having to create an entire new post for each, what a freakin' pain!

Please also note, I have updated my gigs section.

I'm the Blogging Queen, young and sweet, only twentyish...
Blogging Queen, see the posts from your moniter....
You can read, you can jive, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch her blog, dig the Blogging Queen

Sorry Kids, Disneyland is Closed

Dear Disneyland,

I can appreciate that every once in a while an amusement park has to close down a ride or attraction for repairs or upgrades. But when it’s five of your biggest, do you really have to charge full price? Really? Do you?

My cousins and I were glad we didn’t have to pay for our tickets, or we would have been very, very mad.

Sincerely,

Leana Benson

The Tiki Room 

It's a Small World 

Splash Mountain 

The Haunted Mansion 

Space Mountain 

Why U So Stupid?

I'm such a moron. I just happened to be looking at the "upcoming gigs" section on Leanabenson.com and I saw that I had the 15th down for my set tonight at the Starting Gate. As you can tell by the date above the post, today is the 22nd.

For a brief moment I thought I had missed a gig, but on double-checking my planner and the e-mail the booker sent me, I realized that it was my webpage that was wrong.

I just hope my legion of fans didn't wait outside the Starting Gate last Saturday night waiting to get a glimpse of me, only to find out I wasn't performing. Now, if they had just been at It's a Grind in Irvine, they could have gotten a whole ass-ful of Leana AND coffee.

Although, if you only keep track of my gigs through my weblog, you are in luck, as I got that date right!

Also, upon re-reading the e-mail I found out I get 12 minutes. Very cool. I'm going to see what I can pull out of my bag of tricks tonight...or maybe I'll just take a nap 'til 7.

Come out and see me at The Starting Gate, 5052 Katella Ave. Los Alamitos, CA. The show starts at 8 p.m. There is no cover and no minimum, but they have very tasty mixed drinks. Mmmmm mixed drinks.

This Week's Special is...

Special L

To say that I love Kellogg's Special K with Vanilla Almonds would be an understatement. I am IN LOVE with it. It's just so tasty, and apparently it's good for you too!

Of course cereal is expensive so I have to buy it when it's on sale. Any time I see it on sale for less than $2.50 a box I buy it.. I forget how much I have at home, so I just buy it and buy it. Hence the reason for the stockpile.

Today I found it at Albertson's 2 for $5, AND I had a dollar off coupon. Woohoo!

This entry might be one of my saddest.

Hollywood Here I Come...There I Went!

I finally went back to Hollywood to do a gig last night. I actually haven’t been up there to perform since Bastille Day. No, I didn’t perform FOR Bastille Day, it just happened to be Bastille Day. The only reason I remembered that it was Bastille Day was because the Emcee did a bunch of jokes about it.

I also recalled that I totally bit it. The LA Comedy Scene™ is, to say the least, cliquey. It’s like walking in to a box social without the proper petty coat ifyou know what I mean.

There are a group of these people that perform all over town together, know each others sets backwards and forwards and usually just goup on stage to make one another laugh. I’m sure “inside joke” comedy is sure to be a huge hit soon and they well all be ready for it.

Please don’t think I mean ALL LA comics are cliquey. I’m sure many of them are very giving and friendly people. I’ve just never managed to encounter any of those LA comics.

So this time I went in with the knowledge that I’d probably be up against a bunch of comics who believe that by laughing at someone else’s material from outside their crew, it somehow makes them less funny. That somehow if they laugh out loud it sends a ripple throughout the cosmos that will somehow keep them down in the dregs of the comedy world forever. That somehow laughing at me will give me a leg up on them.

Not the best way to go into a gig, but it really justleft me to focus on my material and stuff that I know is funny; whether they outwardly showed it or not.

My first joke, probably my BEST opening line, kind of fizzled. I knew at that moment that I had two ways to go; either I shake it off and move on to my next joke, or let it effect the rest of my performance, phoning it in, and getting the hell off the stage.

I used my latest mantra “FUCK IT” and just kept trucking along, not changing my rhythm, my inflection, my persona.. Slowly but surely I brought them around,so that by the end they actually seemed to enjoy my set. I even had one of the other comics come up to me afterwards and compliment me. And I don’t think he was even trying to get into my pants.

Last Bastille Day I let that first line bombing affect me. I gave up. I guess I have matured with my comedy, without even knowing it.

So I won’t wait ‘til this coming Bastille Day to go back into Hollywood. I just have to remember that the vibe between L.A. comedy and O.C. comedy is completely different, but that the funny is the same no matter where you are.

I have an addictive personality. Not drugs or alcohol, poker, a little bit, but my biggest addiction now is Mindsweeper. Damned game, it's the most frustrating, stupid game in the world. And I was up 'til midnight last night playing it.

I'm just glad I don't have it on my computer at work-I would get absolutely no work done. The saddest part is that I completely suck at the game. I think I've won three times in the 9 years I've been playing the game.

Curse you Microsoft.

Working It

My work friends don’t understand why I insist on working out in the morning before work. “That’s soooo early, how can you get up thaaaaat early?”

Please, it’s way easier to get up an extra hour early than to attempt to go after work and navigate past the skeevy sweaty guys who hog the free weights, the overly developed dudes who only work out their upper body and leave their legs and thighs looking like twigs, and the smelly, overweight single moms who sweat all over the leg machines.

I much rather work out with the geezers who stand around one machine all morning flirting one another in a terribly sad and pathetic way, at least they don’t get in my way.

Of course tonight I had to break my routine and work out in the evening. It was even worse than usual, ‘cause the New Year’s resolution crowd was in there taking up valuable real estate. I know it’s just a matter of time ‘til they give up and give me my gym back. Give it back to me, the skeeves, the muscle heads, chunky moms and geezers. I hope they all have weak wills.

Notes from the Front Line

So my cousin Julie is tired of checking my blog and seeing my post about my super-awesome porn name. So I’m going to give a quick update.

This hasn’t been the greatest start to a new year, but I’m still confident that good things are right around the corner. Right around the corner and down the street, past the crack house and that liquor store that sells individual cigarettes and chilled Boones Farm wine.

A couple of updates:

My mom broke her hip AND her arm. Right hip, left arm, so she can still dance. Not at the same time. The hip when she attempted to walk from the bathroom to the bedroom in the middle of the night, and the hip when she attempted to walk to the bathroom from the bedroom. I told her she either needs to stop sleeping or peeing.

The doctors said they had never seen that kind of hip break in a woman my mom’s age. You go mom! I don’t think brittle bones is a family trait, ‘cause I fall down daily and haven’t broken anything. (knock on wood).

The rains continue to wreak havoc on my condo. The patch on the roof seems to have fixed the leak, but the carpet is still wet. The association president promised me her wet-dry vac, but I have yet to see it. That’s fine, if deadly mold begins to grow I have a lawsuit that will leave me and my one good lung living happily ever after.

My trainer dumped me. No big loss. He was a butthead anyway. He missed more of our training sessions than he actually made it to, he was usually hung over when we met AND his name was Jazz. What the hell kind of name is that? My new Trainer, Kenny, is way cool and he won’t put up with my lame ass excuses for not doing cardio and he has a normal name.

That’s all I can think of right now. I hope Julie is appeased for a moment.

I'm Ready for My Close Up

I’ve chosen my porn name. Forever after I shall be known as Milky White!

Double Ewwwwwwwww!

I just found out that I share a birthday with the Baby Raper Mary Kay Letourneau.

To make myself feel better, I tried to find some famous non-rapists who also share a birthday with me. Here they are:

Brett Butler
Phil Collins
Dick Cheney
Vanessa Redgrave
Gene Hackman
Dick Martin
Franklin D. Roosevelt
Victoria Principal

I still don't feel better.

New Year, New Post, New Excuses

Well I got the New Year off to a great start. I spent most of New Year’s Day recovering from New Year’s Eve. But that’s to be expected, right? It’s pretty much accepted to write off all of New Year’s Day. The real New Year begins on the 2nd; that’s when you put into affect all the resolutions you came up with, or the ones you are recycling from the year before that you never followed through on. (Like never ending a sentence with a preposition.)

Of course this rule doesn’t count if the 2nd falls on a Sunday, which is a well known horrible day on which to start any resolution or make any kind of life-change. Studies* have shown that New Year’s resolutions made on a Sunday are 83% less likely to stick, then those same resolutions that were started on a Monday or even a Tuesday or Wednesday.

So I will start my resolutions on Monday, where they will have more of a chance of sticking. That was actually my first resolution, to start my resolution on Monday, so if this one sticks it really puts a wrench in the study.

*Study conducted by Leana New Year’s Day 1994, 97, 99 and 2002.