Suck It Charter

So I go to turn on Miss Nancy Grace a few evenings ago and I realize that channel 36 is missing. “What the hell??” I exclaim. I click ahead. No channel 37, 38 or 39. I’m actually missing Channels 36 to 68.

I get on the horn (aka phone) to Charter. I quickly find out the problem. Apparently for the last 2 years I was getting the channel feeds for extended basic, while paying only for regular basic. But the swift minds at Charger finally figured it out and quickly put a stop to that nonsense.

Now if I want to get those channels back I have to pay an extra $30 a month. I had just been wondering what I could spend the extra $20 I have left from each paycheck on. That answers that.

So I looked into getting Dish or Direct TV, but neither have the Internet access I need to keep up with my porn watching. I’d have to get DSL which would require I have a land line which would cost me at least another $20 (suck it too Verizon), thus the cost would be about the same.

I’m actually wondering if I should even bother getting the extended basic. I mean it’s only contributing to my delinquency. And when the fall television series starts I can actually venture down to the single digit stations again.

Maybe I’ll start reading more. Or I can take up a hobby like knitting or meth making for fun and profit.

Wanna See My Pocket Pair?

Sorry for not writing lately dear blog. I’ve just been so preoccupied lately that I haven’t had much time to do anything comedy-related. Life has a tendency to do that to you.

But I did want to regale you with my worst beat ever, last night at Joey and Marissa’s home game.

Joey was nice enough to front me the $10 buy-in because I promised to do a bit of my comedy for the group before the game.

When he had mentioned it the week prior I thought he was just talking shit and I didn’t actually think that he’d have me get up and do stand up.

But when I got to their house I discovered that Joey had set up a mike and amp in the middle of the living room.

It was my first time performing at a poker tournament. It was also strange ‘cause it’s not often that I know everyone in the room when I perform. But I gave them about 10 minutes and everyone seemed to enjoy it, plus as I mentioned before, I got a free buy in for it.

Too bad I got crap for cards all night. I won a pot or two, but nothing really exciting. I actually made it to the final table. The first four places would pay out, with first place getting $150. Not too shabby.

I was going in short stacked, with $1175 and the blinds at $100/200. The first hand I’m dealt: pocket jacks. The other short stack went all-in ahead of me with $200 so I called. The guy to my right raised to $500 so I called. Three players. The flop was like 2c 5d, 9h, all crap. So I go all in. It was the best two cards I had gotten all night and I’d be down to nothing when the blinds went up. The guy to my right quickly calls and flips over his freakin’ pocket As.

I should have known. But then, the other guy who had gone all in at the beginning of the hand turns over his pocket As. What the hell??? I wouldn’t even know the statistical odds of two players, at a 9 player table, both getting pocket As. But it just figures that I should be trapped in between them. My only hope is that a jack comes on the turn or the river. Of course, if you’ve been reading my blog for more than two weeks you’ll know that I don’t have that kind of luck.

I was home by 11.

Remember the Alamo!

Every once in a while I have a gig that leaves me wondering, “Why the hell am I doing comedy?” These gigs do nothing for my self esteem or the little voice in the back of my head that screams “you should just give it all up, find some guy to marry and squeeze out a couple puppies.”

Thank gawd that gig was followed by one of my best at the Thrift Store last night.

The show was awesome. I taped it so I’m going to see if there is some way I can get it up on my website. Of course I probably won’t find an easy way so it will never happen.

I love the crowds at the Thrift Store. They are extremely good laughers. Many people don’t realize that you can be a bad laugher at a comedy show. Just an FYI, if you go to a comedy show in the future: the comedians can’t HEAR you smile when you think something is funny.

The greatest thing about the show was that I only did about four real jokes. The rest was total crowd work and they were totally into it.

So I’m going to keep this evening in my little jar and pull it out when I get another one of those gigs that make me doubt myself. Which will probably be tomorrow night.

I Can't Believe It's Tiger!

My friend Bobby passed along this picture direct from the Iowa State Fair.


This disturbs me, not just because he's made out of butter but because he bares a striking resemblance to Forrest Gump.

And what does he have on that leash?

Quick Weekend Wrap Up

• Cleaned my bachelorette pad top to bottom. Actually just the bathroom and kitchen, but it was hard work. Get off my back!
• Had a kick-ass gig at It’s a Grind. Netted $32.
• Saw The Aristocrats. Love Sarah Silverman.
• Paid $2.65/gallon for gas. Cried at the pump.
• Submitted my reel to the US Comedy Arts Festival. Already planning what I’m going to say when I bump into Sarah Silverman in the bathroom.

What a Bunch of Squares Man

I have to haul it all the way up to Sherman Oaks this weekend if I want to see The Aristocrats. What the hell? It's not like it's some snuff film or a Pauly Shore movie.

What is up with the theaters around here? I can't see a documentary on comedy because of the language, but I can walk into the Pacific 16 and watch Stealth playing on three screens. Which is more obscene?

Got Plans for the Weekend?

No, I'm not hitting on you blog, I just wanted you to know that I updated my Upcoming Gigs section on LeanaBenson.com. I also updated it to the right, so whichever you prefer.

Hope to see you there!

Rover, You're Dead Meat

I walked out to my car this morning to find that a dog had crapped in front of my garage door. What the hell? It was left right near the door handle. It couldn’t have been better situated if the dog had actually aimed.

Which brings me to only one possible conclusion: the dog did it on purpose. I have to believe this phantom dog is the same one that befouled my flower box, not once but twice, last summer. I mean, come on, why would a dog climb up to the second floor to take a crap? That’s right, only if the dog is trying to teach me a lesson. Which I totally don’t get. Is the lesson that flowers don’t belong in boxes or that I can never have anything nice in my life? No wait, that was my brother’s lesson to me.

I’m afraid this most recent "message" is just another threatening piece of vandalism left by some dog that has it out for me. But let’s not get it twisted; I am ready for this dog. This bitch (or whatever you call a boy dog) doesn’t know what horror it’s unleashed. I won’t go out like a punk! I won’t be driven out of my ghetto-horrid neighborhood because of some dog crap. This dog will have to seriously bring it! Game on.

I Am A Winner!

This weekend was awesome for me. On Thursday night I won $25 playing poker, on Friday night I won $250 playing Bingo (yes I said Bingo) and this morning I found out I won the new Dane Cook DVD (he's the future father of my children you know) and a book written by THE Lewis Black (the future godfather of my children I'm sure) from SheckyMagazine.com.

I'm going to go out and buy a Lotto ticket now. I can't lose!

A Fan?

I believe I found the funniest weblog in the world, and it’s written by the most unlikely person in the world: Pol Pot.

Go check it out and leave a comment. He might even comment back.

He likes me, and I quote: “You berry funny like this: haha! not rike dis ror, ror, ror. but pol pot rike you because you famous girl.”

I may not believe in his politics, but the guy knows talent when he sees it!

Could It Be Any Hotter???

What the hell? When is this stinkin’ summer going to be over. It’s about 800 degrees today. I’m tired of being sweaty. I’m tired of having to blow dry my hair in front of a fan. I’m tired of having to wring out my bra every night.

My air conditioner is useless. It pretty much only cools the three foot radius around the unit. So unless I plan on moving my bed next to the front door I’m pretty much out of luck.

So I have two fans going day and night, but all it does is blow around the hot air; not my hot air, but the hot air that’s circulating around my little condo.

Winter is so much better. Especially in California ‘cause it’s not like it’s going to get so cold that I’ll be miserable. It will just be comfortable. And I can gain an extra 50 lbs and hide it under a sweater. Yippee!

If I Wrote the Movie

I’m so sick and tired of the same, weak-ass love triangles set up in movies wherein our hero meets the girl of his dreams, but darn it all, she has a boyfriend.

Actually that’s not the part that bugs me, the part that bugs me is that the girl’s boyfriend has to be a complete asshat, who is so obviously undeserving of her love that, of course, the audience roots for our hero and the girl to get together.

It’s not just that the hero and girl are a better fit, or just fall in love despite themselves they have to make the boyfriend a major jackass so that our hero doesn’t look like a complete douche for breaking up a happy couple.

Case in point: Owen Wilson and Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers. These two would be oh so happy together, expect for…dantdantdaaaa…..the evil boyfriend. Less we forget what a dick the guy is, in every scene he’s either making disparaging remarks about women “look at the rack on her” or berating the "hired help" They do everything but put the guy in a black cape and have him twirling his greasy mustache.

I’m not just pointing fingers at Wedding Crashers. This is so terribly common in movies anymore that it’s become as cliché as the misunderstanding that breaks up the super couple ¾ of the way into the movie or the musical montage that’s supposed to take the place of actual dialog but show us how great the super couple is together.

I understand that there needs to be conflict in the relationship. It can’t just be about them meeting at a wedding and living happily ever after, but do they have to go for the easy out?

What I would like to point out is that the girl picked that jerk guy in the first place. She’s the one who is dating the creep at the beginning of the movie, what does that say about her? Shouldn’t our hero ask himself why he would want to date a girl who would pick a butt face like that?

And why does it always take these stupid women so long to finally “see the light” and ditch the doughnut for our hero? So many of these “climactic” moments happen at the freakin’ alter. It’s like, do these women not have a backbone enough to say, “Hey, I’d rather not have anyone then end up married to this fuck stick.” No, they need our hero to come in and sweep them up off their feet.

Just once I’d like the hero to come in, see the girl and have her dump her somewhat normal boyfriend, just ‘cause the hero is hotter, makes more money or is a close personal friend of Mr. Vince Vaughn. Mmmmm Vince Vaughn.

I'm Comedy