As the Clock Ticks On

Our company changed its insurance carrier and it takes affect at midnight tonight. If I get capped driving down my ghetto-ass cul-de-sac tonight I can go to any hospital under Kaiser, before midnight. If the termites eat through my roof and a piece of shingling falls on me at 4 AM while I sleep, I have to hope I get taken to a “choice” hospital and not an “affiliate” hospital, or I’ll get charged under Blue Shield. I am, indeed, in what they call, limbo.

Toga, Toga!!!

Jim Belushi was on Howard Stern today. I felt bad for him. No matter how many hit TV shows he has, or blockbuster movies he’s in, he’ll always be considered John Belushi’s little brother. I’m sure not a day goes by that he’s not asked about his brother. What a shadow to live under. It’s probably how my brother feels, “how’s your sister Leana that graduated high school? Doesn’t she also have a full-time job and straight teeth?”

Poor Clayton.

Whole Lotta Shakin'

Every time there’s an earthquake anywhere in the entire state of California I get at least a dozen calls from my family and friends back in Iowa. I guess I should be glad for the attention, although I think the only reason my friend Bobby called me was ‘cause he owes me money and he was hoping he could save himself a couple bucks.

Life Lesson #361

So the Skeezy Skank Hole™ owes me $20 and flat-out refuses to pay me back. The reason I’m totally peeved is that she’s trying to make it MY FAULT that she’s not paying me back, and that she’s teaching me a life lesson or something. Well, I’m pretty much resolved to the fact that I’ll never see that $20 again, so I’ve come up with a list of things I hope the Skeezy Skank Hole does with my money:

1. Gets treatment for her adult acne
2. Buys a book on the fundamentals of grammar-just because she looks like a bloated tai-hooker doesn’t mean she needs to talk like it.
3. How about Head and Shoulders or Selsun Blue?
4. Wash that piece of crap car of hers, I heard it was white but who could tell?
5. Never underestimate the power of breath mints.
6. ANYTHING other than Patchouli…she’s not fooling anyone.

Leana’s Odyssey

I managed to get lost twice this weekend. Getting lost in LA is not that difficult to do, especially when my trusty Thomas Guide is sitting in my back car window just out of reach. Plus, I’m not good with the “go north when you get to Wilshire” I’m better with, “turn right at the IHOP.”

I spent nearly an hour trying to find my way to the 405 freeway from my friend Renee’s place. I think I had started going the wrong way then thought “maybe this is wrong,” so I turned around then found myself at the Ocean. “Well, that can’t be right,” So I turned back around. UGH! Usually doing the opposite of what I think I should do works out for me, but not this time.

Today I turned the wrong way off the 10 freeway at Fairfax on my way to meet my cousins at the Grove in Hollywood. I ended up at the airport. Yeah, the airport. Just great. I got back on the freeway and retraced my steps, turning the right way on Fairfax and getting my fill of Hollywood traffic for the next decade. I hate Hollywood traffic.

I either need to spend more time up in Los Angeles or never go there again!

Extreme-ly Awesome TV

I just watched the most magical 2 hours of television. The season premiere of Extreme Makeover! It was ever better than last season when they had the two makeover cases fall in love and get married, which was so awesome. Just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get any better, it went ahead and did! They had sisters with cleft pallets and the doctors totally recreated their lips, teeth and noses. Modern medical technology astounds me daily and I just added another $3 to my lipo jar.

But that wasn’t even the best, best part of the show tonight. The best part was the cheesy voice-over guy who usually says something that’s supposed to evoke tears or drama. But this one line just made me laugh for a good 10 minutes. He was talking about the other case of the night, an angry guy who used to get picked on ‘cause of his nose. He had grown to be pretty bitter and treated his wife like crap, ‘til one morning he had an epiphany and realized what a dick he’d been. Then…the voice-over, “if regret had an address…. it was Tim's house.” BAWWWWWWHHHH That’s the Best-Line-EVER, just the best. I hope I can use that line sometime in the future. Actually, I’m going to attempt to work it into normal conversation tomorrow.

My boyfriends, Phil and Howard (second and third from the left) 

Just Call Me Mrs.Gordon

I’m cheating on my WPT boyfriend Howard Lederer with Phil Gordon. I know, I know he’s just going to break my heart in the end, but a guy who can call over $200,000 against two guys going all-in at the final table is a total stud. Plus he’s like 6’9”, and height is important in poker playing.

Watching that kind of poker makes me want to throw on my lucky poker poncho and make the trek to the Bicycle Casino in Bell Gardens. The only things that keep me from going are the fact that I’m broke ‘til pay day, still recovering from the cold/allergies/West Nile virus and afraid of the “clientele” that hangs out at that casino. I feel much better BTW.

I had to cancel my show at the Laguna Beach Brewing Co. I hope nobody made the trek down there. I apologize and promise to buy you a soda the next time I see you out. But I didn’t really even trust myself to drive to and from work today. I’m glad I don’t drive the forklift anymore.

I don’t have another gig scheduled ‘til October, unless you count the daily stand-up I do at the office every day. But that doesn’t count, ‘cause my co-workers are a captive audience.

Ok, off to bed, it is nearly 9 pm. Man am I old.

From My Death Bed

I can’t decide whether I’m sick or not. After my most recent sneezing attack a girl in my office asked if I was sick. I paused for a moment and thought, “am I?” I honestly don’t know. I could just be tired, burned out from work, bored-or all three. I might also have allergies stirred up by the Santa Ana’s that are blowing like crazy today. I’ve never had allergies before, but that’s no reason to discount the theory.

So I decided to hedge my bets. I bought OJ, jell-o cups and some Kleenex. Then I went home and slept ‘til 8:30 tonight missing the first part of Last Comic Standing. They had Carrot Top and Louie Anderson performing. I was like “WTF, am I dreaming this?” But I hadn’t taken my Tylenol Allergy and Sinus stuff, so I knew that wasn’t it. Plus I’d like to think if I had a dream like that, Louie and The Top wouldn’t be my comics of choice. It would probably be Bobcat Goldthwait and Judy Tenuta.

I don’t think LCS is doing very well, I was able to cast my votes for the incomparable Dave Mordal from my cell phone and home phone on my first tries -unheard of for Seasons 1 and 2. I only wish we could vote off Jay Mohr.

Website All Better Now

I must give a shout-out to Super Lloyd, the office’s resident computer guru. He was able to fix the main page of www.leanabenson.com in two seconds. Which is great ‘cause I would have been ripping my hair out all night instead of watching a very special 7th Heaven. Thanks Lloyd!

The first Weblog is behind me. Now it’s time for my first rant!

My website, http://www.leanabenson.com/ is jacked up. It’s pointing to the old site, and not even the old index page on my old site, but a random page that doesn’t go anywhere. I was messing with a bunch of pages today, but I know I didn’t even touch the index page. I’m almost certain it’s on the web host’s side and not mine, at least I hope. And since I have barely any knowledge of Dreamweaver and I’m not speaking to the Skeezy Skank Hole™ who designed my site, I’m pretty much screwed until I can get hold of someone from the web hosting company, if they decide to get back to me. Or I can sucker one of the web designers at work to take a look under the hood.

It’s times like these I wish I had the patients to learn Dreamweaver, or any web design at all, so I wouldn’t have to put myself through all this. But even I know I won’t. So instead I’ll watch WPT and call it a weekend!

PS: You can still see the rest of my website if you click from here http://www.leanabenson.com/INDEX2.HTM

Welcome to My Weblog. First Post Ever!

I’m a big fan of Weblogs. It’s like being able to read someone’s diary without having to sneak into their bedroom and try to decipher their crappy handwriting. I was extremely nervous about starting my own Weblog, ‘cause I wasn’t sure of what exactly it should be. Should it be a place for me to keep friends, family, and, dare I say, “fans” up-to-date with my stand-up comedy? Should I use it as a place to vent my feelings? Do I use it to pick up guys? “Hey wanna come over and see my Blog?” How much do I share?

I still don’t know the answers, but I guess we’ll find out. A quick disclaimer, although I have a degree in Journalism with a minor in English, my spelling is well below par, so I don’t wanna here anything about how I have the spelling comprehension of a 5th grader. I know!