Cough Cough

Sorry I've been so absent from the blog, dear readers. It's been so crazy busy in LeanaLand that I haven't had time to share as much as I would have liked. Not that I don't have a lot to say, just that I haven't had time to put in as much time and energy as I would like. Plus I don't want you guys to read crap. I have a rep to protect.

I'm sick AGAIN! For what, the 18th time this year? This time, however, I know the source of my sickness, the patient zero if you well, the freakin' Outbreak monkey that got me sick. My boss. For that reason, I didn’t feel terribly bad for leaving work early today. It's his fault I'm sick. All last week he was running around sniffing and coughing and claiming it was allergies. NOT!

So I'm dying. I'm glad I made out my will last week. I feel much better about that. I thought for sure it would be a bullet from some pissed off wife that would do me in. Instead it's a cold.

I’m off to bed now…at 9:53 pm. Let’s hope I can sleep away this cold.

Naw Naw This!

I’m a Gwen Stefani fan. Well, I’m a No Doubt fan, but really, is there a difference??? My friend Hugh thinks she’s greasy looking, but I think it’s just ‘cause she likes the ‘shiny face’ look.

But her new song ‘Rich Girl’ really chaps me. It’s a total rip off of ‘If I Were a Rich Man’ From Fiddler, but ok, she’s not the first to sample a song from a musical. I like the tune and it’s got a beat that makes my hips move to and fro, but the lyrics are just so ridiculous. It’s something a five year old would write if given 5 minutes of time out in the corner. Here they are:

naw naw naw naw naw naw naw naw
naw naw naw naw naw naw naw naw
naw naw naw naw naw naw
If I were a rich girl a nawnawnawnawn
say I'd have all the money in the world if I were a wealthy girl
No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end Cause I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl

Really? Gwen is actually listed as the writer. I can’t believe she would want to take credit for that.

I counted: 1,485 naws. Was she paid by the letter? If the naws were supposed to make up for the lame writing, then she could have added another 2,000 to make up for the weak lyrics she threw in there. I’d be willing to give up the gem line “I’d have all the money in the world, if I were a wealthy girl.” How insightful is that? That’s great Gwen. How about, “I’d have all the hair in the world if I didn’t have a Lady Norelco” or “I’d have all the cellulite in the world if I was a pastry chef.” What? Not good? Neither is what she wrote! People just like her ‘cause she can wear 10 inch heels.

We're All Apart of the Fast Food Nation

I had the most ridiculous conversation yesterday. I was waiting to meet with my workout coach and one of the other coaches came up to chat with me. He started talking about the benefits of eating raw foods and only buying organically grown fruits and vegetables.

Some of his points made sense, but for the most part I was just left internally rolling my eyes. I totally understand that food today is way over processed, full of preservatives and chemicals and shit that is meant to make it last longer on the store shelf or in the can. I know that cow milk is full of so many hormones that it’s making 9 year-old girls grow huge cans before their time. I know that the pesticides they spray on my vegetables and fruits is probably getting into my body and wreaking havoc. But the alternative is not worth it.

I mean, come one. Shopping at Whole Foods with those pretentious checkers who make $5 an hour but know all abut organically grown foods and how much better for your body than the product they sell at Ralph’s or Vons. And spending $80 for a bag a groceries I could get at Pavilions for $20. I’m sure it will be different when I’m rich and famous, but when you are poor it’s less about your health and more about your wallet.

And I hardly have time to heat up my preservative-laden foods as it is. If I had to cook everything from scratch or fallow a bunch of specific rules so that I don’t kill myself trying to eat raw foods, it would definitely cut into my laying around time.

Plus this coach sounds like he’s just miserable. Of course he doesn’t realize it and even when I tried to explain to him how miserable he had to be, he didn’t get it. He was talking about the fasting he does and how he uses coconut oil for cooking instead of vegetable oil or canola oil. Gross. The saddest part is when he was talking about how for a treat he sometimes has a glass of unpasteurized milk. Fuckin’ sick! I’ve had unpasteurized milk (I’m from Iowa, we all have tried it at least once) and I remember it taking like ass. I’m all for pasteurization. And the dude considers it a treat.

I’m just glad he’s not my coach.

What Are You Doing Tonight?

If your answer isn’t something along the lines of “hanging out in Irvine to see Leana doing comedy” then you are WRONG!!!

Come hang out with me as I host a cavalcade (yes I said cavalcade) of hi-larious comedians from around LA and Orange County, including my Comedy Buddy in Crime Devin Dugan and winner of Last Year’s California’s Funniest Female Competition Rebecca Arthur. We’ll be at It’s a Grind Coffee House, 15333 Culver Drive Ste 450 from 8 p.m. ‘til 10:30.

I better see you there!

Ladies, Robert Blake is SINGLE!!!!

Does anyone else find it at all interesting that the same day Scott Peterson is sentenced to death for killing his wife, Robert Blake is found not-guilty of killing his?

The thing is, if you look at it, these cases are quite similar. Two guys who hated their wives and felt trapped in their marriage decided the only way to get out of their situation was to kill. Neither seemed very innocent after the murders and neither seemed to be too upset that the mothers of their babies were dead.

The only real difference is the victim. Lacy Peterson was seen as the perfect wife and daughter-she nearly walked on water (oh wait she didn’t. I suck). Bonny Bakley was seen as a money grubbing whore who got knocked up to trap a man into marriage. By the end of the Peterson trial people were asking “why did he have to kill someone so perfect?” By the End of the Blake trial, people were saying “I would have killed her too!”

I really think there was even more evidence against Blake then there was Scott Peterson. Peterson’s case was more circumstantial, they didn’t even have a murder weapon OR a cause of death. Yet he was found guilty. I have to think if the roles were reversed and Peterson was married to Bonny Bakley (well of course I don’t think there would have been any media surrounding the murder of a 40-something year old Bakley) that he would have been found innocent.

How strange that both these cases hinged on the victims. I wonder… if Nicole Brown Simpson had a more angelic face…would OJ still have gotten off?

These cases are definitely cautionary tales for us women. Don’t get married!

Are You Shitting Me?

Twenty dollars for a tank of gas? Twenty dollars? WTF???? What was the point of going over and kickin' ass in Iraq if we weren't going to at least have cheap gas? And it's not like I'm even going to do anything fun with this tank of gas, like drive to Vegas or go down the PCH with the wind whipping through my long, luxurious red locks. I'm going to waste it going to and from work, maybe drive to the store, but probably not. That's definitely not worth twenty bucks.

What makes me even more annoyed was that it wasn’t Twenty bucks on the nose. It was $19.48. But I had put in a twenty dollar bill at the outside pay thingy. So if I wanted to retrieve the fifty-two cents I had coming to me, I’d have to go all the way inside, wait in a line of 5 people and have to get that look of annoyance at the dude behind the register and the 9 people behind me for coming in to get fifty-two cents. I know I would have been annoyed if I were behind me. So even though they tell you not to overfill your tank, I did. This is probably going to cause vapor lock or some other kind of horrible malfunction with my car. Just great. USA, USA, USA.

A Year's Worth of Tail-Wagging Fun...

Ok I need help. No, no, not THAT kind of help, I need help deciding if I should purchase the latest release from the Danbury Mint- The Dachshund calendar! It’s a perpetual calendar display with twelve 2½ inch tall weiner dogs each dressed up for a month of the year. It’s the cutest thing EVER. But I just don’t know.

Each month is $17.00. This is a pretty big investment. It’s not like I can just start and after I get my July weiner dog in the little Uncle Sam Top hat and drum that I can just say “no more.” I’ll have to buy all of them!

Also, is it weird for a woman under the age of 80 to order anything from the Danbury Mint?

And will it just end up being another thing I end up having to dust? Not that I dust, but if I did dust, it would be another thing I’d have to dust.

Plus would it freak out the dudes I bring back to Leana’s Love Shack? I guess if my Millennial Bear collection and shrine to Johnny Rivers doesn’t make them leave screaming, nothing will.

The ad claims that these dogs are “dog-gone charming!” They certainly look that way. But like I said, I just don’t know.

So I’ll leave it up to the readers of my blog. If you could leave me a comment and help me make a decision I’d appreciate it. Don’t worry; you don’t have to sign up for a blog to register. (Julie you can only vote once.)
Thank you for your support.

"Miami, You're Cuter Than... an Intrauterine"

There were sitcoms from my childhood that I used to think were so hilarious, so brilliant, so timeless. But with the passing of time and the proliferation of reruns on Nick at Nite, Lifetime and Fox, I have come to find out that those shows were pretty much shit.

I remember that I used to love ALF. Even though at the age of 10 I knew the acting on the show stunk to China, I really liked the alien. I watched 227, Silver Spoons, Gimme a Break, Facts of Life and even It’s Your Move, with Jason Bateman, religiously. I even watched Valerie, Valerie’s Family AND The Hogan Family. Now when I see one of those shows in reruns I cringe.

The one exception is The Golden Girls. That show was and is still brilliant, still hilarious.. The writing was pure genius and the acting was top notch. The storylines were always so clever and the dialogue was so right-on. I couldn’t image any other actors in the roles of Blanche, Sophia, Dorothy or Rose. I can watch the same episode over and over again. I’m not sure if I truly appreciated it when I was younger, the way I do now.

I’ve already decided that I’m going to be Dorothy when I get old, then probably turn into Sophia. Actually, I take that back, I think I’m Sophia right now.

I can’t think of any show on TV right now that would be able to hold a candle to The Golden Girls. I would watch a rerun of The Golden Girls over any new episode of any of the crap on the major networks.

The sitcoms of today are basically the same storylines from 15 years ago regurgitated for the next generation. The stuff that’s being forced upon us now is such contrived drivel. They feed us the same tired plots, lame dialog and one-dimensional characters. It’s no wonder that sitcoms are dying. People would rather watch some chick gag chewing on cow balls than watch a hot chick married to a funny, fat dude.

There’s really no point to this entry. I just wanted to pay homage to The Golden Girls, for reminding me in reruns that the ability to create great sitcoms exists somewhere in the universe. I can only hope that it happens again in my lifetime.

Who's California's Funniest? Not Me!

Just a quick update: I did not advance to the next round in California’s Funniest. It was a great night of comedy and everyone who went up did a great job, and I think I had one of my best sets. Unfortunately there were four other girls who also had their best sets. Two of my favorites, Miss Sue Nelson and Miss Rosie Tran, moved on. I’m rooting for them to go all the way.

At least I have another great tape to add to my collection!

No Home Brew for ME!

This Sunday's show at Home Brew is off. Apparently it was never a Sunday night show, but a Saturday show. Alas I am already booked. How cool is that? I mean it's not cool that I can't do Home Brew, but it's cool that I can't do it BECAUSE I have another show. It's like having two suitors and having to tell one I can't go to the ball with him. I'm so popular!

I hope to get booked at Home Brew soon though. It's a fun room and my old roommate Chad lives near there and has promised to come see my show. He hasn't seen me perform since my days in the Ice House Annex when I was doing jokes about my short hair and shitty coffee shop job. Oh how times have changed. Now I do jokes about my gray hair and shitty desk job. Just kidding HAHAHA.

Tonight is my turn in California's Funniest Female Competition. I am up against some really incredible gals so it's going to be a tough one, but I'm ready. I had an awesome set down in San Diego at Lestat's West. I hope to recreate that magic tonight. Hope you can make it out to see me!

NO WPT FOR ME

Ok, I get it. I’m not meant to play online poker.

Sigh….I guess it wasn’t meant to be. It’s not that I’m terribly bad. I really like the sit and go tournaments. They are cheap to get into and the first three places get paid. I can’t even count the number of times I came in fourth. Well actually I can; 7. WTF???? I give up. I’m cashing out my money in Party Poker and buying a Snickers.

Six Degrees of the Starlet

I was flipping through my 842 channels tonight and came upon The Starlet. It’s some weak-ass reality show where ten wanna-be actresses duke it out for a WB contract. Somehow they got Faye Dunaway to take part in it, which just goes to show that there is always a price. I know what my price is (an extra value meal at MickyDs) but I’m sure Faye’s was a bit higher.

But that’s not even the point of my entry tonight. The point is that I know one of the actresses on the show! She was in my Judy Carter stand-up class with me. Her name is Andie and when I knew her she was going to a junior college playing basketball. I’d almost want to watch the show again except Andie was kicked off tonight.

I’m sure the longer I’m in the “biz” the more I’ll see people I know. Hopefully soon it will be someone else from my Judy Carter class seeing ME on TV and mentioning it in their blog. Yeah!

Toe Tags Etc...

I am writing you all from my death bed. The bacterial infested tomb that is my office has managed to strike me down, yet again. I feel like warm ass, and not in a good way.

But my latest incapacitation has not been all bad. While giving my TV remote a workout this afternoon I found A&E's Family Plot. It's a reality show about a family that works in a mortuary. I bet if I had HBO I could say it reminds me a lot of Six Feet Under, but I don't have HBO so I can't say that.

They were running a marathon of it and I watched every stinking episode. It's a great show and I recommend all who have A&E to watch the season premiere tomorrow night. I know I will!*

*I was not paid by A&E to say this, but if any other networks would like to pay me to write about their shows I would be more then welcome to! You can contact me at leana@leanabenson.com or leave me a comment.

So This is Love?

If these two crazy kids can't make it, what chance do the rest of us have?

The Incredible Inedible Egg

I had fried eggs for dinner and I feel like warm crap now. I thought the last time I got sick after eating fried eggs that it was just a fluke, but getting sick two times after eating fried eggs is not a fluke, it’s an epidemic. I guess this is what happens as we creep closer to old age. One day you can’t eat fried eggs, the next day they’re fitting your walker for tennis balls. My youth is slipping away each day.

I used to get so annoyed when my mom couldn’t make it through a whole movie without a pee break. Now I’m visiting the WC at least once during American Idol.

Music is getting too loud. The laughter of kids playing out by the pool is too loud. The voices in my head are too loud. Everything is too loud.

And I’m starting to say “when I was a kid,” like I grew up during the Depression or the fall of the Roman Empire. Like people even care that a soda cost fifty cents or gas was a buck in 1985.

But getting back to the eggs. I know it’s a breakfast food, but I thumb my nose at convention and partake in the evening. I’m guessing that’s my problem. Perhaps I should move to oatmeal-also a breakfast food, but not as greasy. So I’m still a rebel, just a rebel that doesn’t feel like puking all throughout Gilmore Girls.

This is just the beginning. I am entering the twilight of my youth. Tonight it’s oatmeal for dinner, tomorrow it’s bingo at the Catholic church and in bed by 5 p.m. Literally tomorrow…Wednesday night is big at the church. Frame outs, black outs. I have my dauber ready.

The Incredible Inedible Egg

I had fried eggs for dinner and I feel like warm crap now. I thought the last time I got sick after eating fried eggs that it was just a fluke, but getting sick two times after eating fried eggs is not a fluke, it’s an epidemic. I guess this is what happens as we creep closer to old age. One day you can’t eat fried eggs, the next day they’re fitting your walker for tennis balls. My youth is slipping away each day.

I used to get so annoyed when my mom couldn’t make it through a whole movie without a pee break. Now I’m visiting the WC at least once during American Idol.

Music is getting too loud. The laughter of kids playing out by the pool is too loud. The voices in my head are too loud. Everything is too loud.

And I’m starting to say “when I was a kid,” like I grew up during the Depression or the fall of the Roman Empire. Like people even care that a soda cost fifty cents or gas was a buck in 1985.

But getting back to the eggs. I know it’s a breakfast food, but I thumb my nose at convention and partake in the evening. I’m guessing that’s my problem. Perhaps I should move to oatmeal-also a breakfast food, but not as greasy. So I’m still a rebel, just a rebel that doesn’t feel like puking all throughout Gilmore Girls.

This is just the beginning. I am entering the twilight of my youth. Tonight it’s oatmeal for dinner, tomorrow it’s bingo at the Catholic church and in bed by 5 p.m. Literally tomorrow…Wednesday night is big at the church. Frame outs, black outs. I have my dauber ready.