But Don't Take My Word for It

If you are tired of reruns and reality shows, check out Lucky Louie on HBO. It's an honest-to-goodness sitcom, staring stand-up comedian Louis C.K. He's hi-larious. He's so good you can almost overlook the obnoxious kid that plays his daughter.

Jim Norton, another well-known stand up, plays his pot-dealing friend. He wears a robe in every episode. That's cool.

Check it out. You'll be glad you did.

Notable Notary

Today I went to the Los Angeles court house (hidden near the freeway so no one could possibly find it) to take my notary oath. Basically it’s the last step before I can officially notarize documents. I had to raise my right hand and everything…it was that much of an oath.

While the guy behind the counter was filling out my paperwork a woman came and asked, “Do you guys notarize things here?” and the guy behind the counter said, “Nope.” As she was about to leave I said, “If you wait two minutes I’ll be able to notarize you.” Not two minutes into the biz and I’m already working clients. Cool huh?

Leave Your Wallets at Home

Police found six human skulls in the home of a New Jersey stripper. Friends of the stripper say a medical student who frequented the strip club where the woman worked may have given them to her. This may be the first time in history that a guy has given a woman head.

Or...This sets a bad precedent for anyone working in the service industry-body parts are not acceptable alternatives to cold, hard cash.

Or...How does the guy fit a human skull into the front of a g-string?

The Answer is: What a Jerk

Ken Jennings has been talking smack about Jeopardy on his blog. At first I was all, "Why does that douche think anyone gives two shits about him enough to read his blog?" But then I heard in the back of my head "Hello, kettle?"

But the dude really shouldn't be talking smack about the show that made him, literally, a millionaire. Although the stuff he said about Trebek is right on! Trebektron 4000...I'm stealing that.

She Threw a Shark at Him!

The beau and I went to the movies tonight. He wanted to see Clerks II and I wanted to sit in air conditioning.

When we got to the AMC we found out that Clerks wasn't playing there, but My Super Ex-Girlfriend was, so we saw that instead.

It was a really cute movie. The effects were pretty good and the pace of the storyline kept it moving along. I wouldn't put it up with my favorite movies of all time, but it was way better than a kick in the face.

I See a Slow News Day

So yesterday, news of Haley Joel Osment's car crash was all over the news. It was on every t.v. at the gym. (Shut up, I do go to the gym every so often. Well I use the shower there when mine is broken.)

The thing that surprised me most about the accident wasn't that he rolled the car at one in the morning, or even that an Oscar-nominated actor was driving a '95 Saturn- what surprised me was finding out Haley Joel Osment, the little tyke from The Sixth Sense, is 18!

What the hell? When did that happen?

Sunrise, Sunset.....Sunrise...Sunset.

Leana Sleepy

No matter what time I turn in at night, I end up waking at 4 a.m. and can't fall back to sleep. I know if I don't fall back asleep I'm going to be a mess for the rest of the day.

I know it's 'cause, lying there in the dark, I start thinking of stuff: what I have to do that day, what I've done the day before, what I shouldn't have done the day before.

I try to let my mind go blank-try to not not think of a single thing. But by not thinking of anything, I'm thinking of something; nothing. Which is actually something.

Wow I'm freakin' prophetic at 4:30 in the morning.

Most Unnecessary Remake EVER

Move over The Longest Yard...screw you Psycho...blow me Planet of the Apes! Hairspray has moved to the top of the list of movies that should not have been remade. It even beats The Producers in the category, "Movies that were made into musicals and then made into movies again."

I may be a bit premature, as I don't think they have even started filming, but just the cast makes me know this will suck eggs. And it's tragic, as the original was so kick-ass.

Tracey's Dad is not Billy Crystal!!!



He's always and forever Jerry Stiller.

And this is Penny, Tracey's awkwardly, strange and unattractive friend...







...not Booby Bobberstein, er..I mean...Amanda Bynes.












And how is John Travolta supposed to pull off playing the cross-dressing mom, made absolutely famous by Divine?



Three words, Direct To Video.

Movin' on Up

Er....north that is. We got an apartment right off the 405 on Venice Blvd. (pause for appropriate oohs and ahhs from the readers.)

It's a really cute one bedroom with a little balcony and.....air conditioning. Hurrah!

The best part is that there are two assigned parking spots so the BoyToy doesn't have to walk 20 miles to the apartment. I'm sure he'll find something else to bitch about. Just kidding! But kind of not.

Last Comic Watching Last Comic Standing

I have a couple questions for the comics tonight:

Roz: Why you yelling babydoll? My voice hurts just listening to you. Take a breath. Smell the roses sista.

Ty Barnett: Telling jokes with set ups and punch lines. What an odd idea. What made you think of that?

Chris Porter: I've seen you do funnier stuff. Gotta cuss too? Did Anthony Clark use up all the pancake makeup? He couldn't even spare a little pressed powder?

Josh Blue: Pick up the pace man. You told about 6 jokes in five minutes. And why you using jokes that you got forwarded from 1995?

Michele Balan: Using your mom to get the symphathy vote? Nice. Pee jokes? Ethnic jokes? If you only get 5 minutes, how come it felt like you were up there for 2 days?

Anthony Clark: What happened to you? Are you being held against your will? Blink once for yes, twice for no...ok, just blink. Please, just once.

Where the Hell's the Cherry?

The cherry syrup in the soda fountain at my 7/11 has been out for the last two weeks. I've told the owner/guy running it three or four times. He keeps telling me the cherry syrup guy is coming later that day. He keeps saying it but I still have no cherry syrup to add to my diet pepsi. I'm beginning to think there is no Cherry syrup guy.

A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words

Did You Know...

The guy who plays Ragetti in both Pirates of the Caribbean movies also played Gareth in The British version of The Office?

I'm Not Joking

Seriously, I'm about two weeks away from being homeless. So if anyone out there in BlogLand knows of an apartment for rent in the Culver City/Palms/La Brea/WeHo area, please send along the info.

Oh, and can you spare a dime?

Tralee, Tralah

I went out to lunch with some work friends on Friday. It was a dual going away lunch for a couple of people. It's probably more like a "smell ya' later" as the recidivism rate for people who leave my company then come back is about 90%.

The most interesting part of the outing was the car ride over. The guy I caught a ride with didn't put on his seat belt. I don't think I've ridden in a car with driver a who wasn't strapped in since I was 4 and cars didn't have seat belts. They didn't have seat belts and were made of metal. And the closest thing we had to an airbag was our mom's right arm extending out towards us when she had to hit the breaks hard.

Those were the days.

Apartment Hunting Blows

Here’s a couple things I’ve learned in my search:

• The word ‘cozy’ means that the apartment is smaller than one of those jail cells in The Shawshank Redemption.
• A “junior one bedroom” is just another word for studio with a nook that’s not even large enough to turn around in, but at least it’s not a studio, right?
• Westside Rentals isn’t fooling anyone with their vague "for rent" postings on Craig’s List. WE KNOW IT’S YOU!
• Hardwood floors are aparently a luxury item. I prefer carpet myself.
• If air conditioning isn’t mentioned in the listing keep looking. A/C is not a luxury item in So Cal-it’s a necessity.
• While on the subject of A/C, the phrase “Has air conditioner” and “has air conditioning” are two very different things….very important things.
• One more thing about that; "Bright and airy" means "no A/C."
• Some landlords act like they are really sweeting the pot by offering to pay for water and trash pick up. But, I'm pretty sure it's a state law.
• There is no such thing as “ample” or “easy” streetparking in LA. It’s all lies!

The Best of...

Yeah....um....I am lazy tonight. I want to get back to playing The Sims, but I know I must post. I don't want to start slacking off.

So I'm going to do like those sitcoms and do a 'best of" in place of an actual post with content. Instead of doing a best of my blogs, I'm going to post a bunch of links to some of the websites I check out daily.

Soap Opera Updates

Devin Dugan.com

Jesus's Favorite

Shecky Magazine

TelevisionWithoutPity (although it's kind of lame during rerun season)

Achewood

SeriouslyNoWay

Wil Wheaton.net

Chucklemonkey

The Sims

It's a Gas

I found a gas station down in the OC for $3.11. How sad is it that I got excited to find $3.11 gas? This is just ridiculous. And nobody seems to be saying anything about it anymore. People used to get all up in arms when gas went up more than five or six cents a gallon.

It’s so frustrating ‘cause it feels like there’s nothing that can be done about it. Our reliance on foreign oil, as my brother would so eloquently say, “has us by the balls.” Buying a hybrid car is a step, but you’re still filling up at the tank. And the public transportation system is atrocious in Los Angeles.

And it’s not like people are just going to stop driving. We have to get places. I’m getting ready to sell my condo and move closer to Hollywood. That means I’m back in commute mode. People are still buying SUVs. I just wonder at what point we in the U.S. will finally say enough.

Sorry for the downer post. Read my archives for a couple chuckles.

Somebody's Having a Case of the Mondays!

It’s amazing how quickly shit starts sliding downhill. Yesterday was a great day. I was in a good mood; people were friendly; my work load was light. And today I get one shitty ass work-related e-mail and suddenly I’m pissed off; people are being difficult; there is still no cherry flavoring at the fuckin’ 7Eleven so I can add it to my fuckin’ Diet Pepsi Big Gulp.

It makes me wish I hadn’t gotten out of bed this morning.

I Be a Notary

You are reading the blog of a certified notary public. That's right, I'm commissioned by the Secretary of State of California to notarize the signature of anyone, on any type of document.

Somehow I'm going to parlay this into a multi-million dollar part-time business.

So you want something notarized by me? It will only cost you $10. (That's the most I can legally charge for notarizing a document.) Of course there is my traveling expenses...2.5 million. That's a flat rate.

For my blog readers I will give you half off my traveling expenses.

You're welcome.

Shits Ahoy

Saw Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest today. Partly 'cause I've been wanting to see it, but mostly 'cause I wanted to avoid the thermos my condo turns into around midday.

Despite the title I gave this entry, the movie was great. That title was just too much to pass up on. i'm comedy!

Bullets Over LA

I don't believe I've mentioned that I'm apartment hunting right now. I'm selling my condo. The pressure of being an adult is just too much for me. I want to go back to being a free-wheeling, devil-may-care renter. I want to bitch at someone else about the toliet being backed up and the light going out in the kitchen. Bitching to myself isn't any fun.

The boytoy and I went around the Culver City area and, wow are there some spectacular crap shacks out there. One chick was in the midst of telling us how safe this one apartment building was when I nearly tripped over a half dozen spent bullet casings. Nice.

I'm sure I'll have plenty of stories to tell in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully there's going to be a happy ending with a phat pad in LA for Miss Leana.

The King of Creepy

So I can't be the only one who thinks the Burger King is fuckin' creepy. Yeah that's right, I said fuckin'. I usually keep the potty mouth to a minimum but that's the only adjective that will work. Fuckin' creepy.

I think the first commercial I saw with this latest incarnation of the Burger King was the one where he appeared at the bedroom window. If that dude appeared at my bedroom window he'd be tasting the hot lead of my .25. That or the wood of my baseball bat-depending on my mood.

The second one was where the Burger King was laying in bed next to the guy when he woke up. *Insert Leana screaming like a little bitch.* I don't care if he is holding an egg-filled sandwich, the only way he leaves my bedroom is in a bodybag.

I was worried I was the only one who thought he was creepy, then I did a search on the Internets and found there is a huge hate club for that freaky bastard. He's even taken over the coveted spot in my nightmares that was once held by Ronald McDonald.

That dude is one creepy fuck. The one commercial that truly skeeved me out was the one with the little kid with the broken leg, sulking at his open bedroom window, watching longingly his friends out enjoying the great outdoors. Suddenly RMD shows up and says "Hey Timmy, wanna come out and play." EEEEEEKKK!!!! I really think that's where Stephen King came up with the idea of Pennywise in the movie IT.

What is up with advertisers who create these freakish characters? Do they sit in a smoke-filled room, around a table strewn with empty Styrofoam coffee cups and half-eaten doughnuts and ask "what will really scare the living shit out of the public?"

Dogku

Sleeping here, my cheek

on your chest—no greater bliss—

well, except pooping

Turning Over Another New Leaf

Ok, as Dan Cook would say, “this is redick.” I’m the worst at posting on my blog, and it’s my dear reader who suffers. (And I’m totally correct in using the singular, as I’m pretty sure I only have one reader. HI JULIE!)

But I promise this: for the next two weeks I’m going to post at least ones a day. I can’t promise they’ll be the most prophetic blogs, but they will be blogs!

So, let the typing begin!!!

#1 Fan

Our fan died on Friday. I'd had it for about 6 years so it had a good life. Today the boyfriend and I went on a hunt for a new one.

It was a two hour odyssey. We first went to CVS, which I had a coupon for $4 from the Sunday paper. When we got there they were all out. So we went next door to Rite Aid. No dice. Then we went to Ralphs. They had one for $30. The cheapness of both myself and my boytoy had us move along to Vons, where I had bought my other fan just last summer. They had no fans at all.

So we went to both OSH and Vons. No fans either! We were forced back to Ralphs, as we knew we couldn't make it another night with only one fan. Heaven forbid!

So we get back to Ralphs, and noticed that there were actually two types of fans, one with a remote control and one without. The one without was only $20. All that running around and we could have gotten the cheap one.

Sorry for that long, horrible story.