Save the Ex-Lax

I just received a "save the date" letter for my friend Meg's upcoming nuptials. I now have 17 weeks and three days to lose 10 dress sizes. I'm in the wedding party and I believe I read the word 'strapless.'

Let the purging begin!!

Pinch Me, I Must Be Dreaming

Free tickets to see Leana Benson at the Blue Cafe tonight? Count me in. I can print them out from my computer and bring them to the show tonight at 9!

Me in the Middle

This weekend Neighbor to the North was putting the finishing touches on the repelling rock wall he’s apparently putting up in his bedroom. I could hear him and his equally creepy brother talking and hammering and clearing two years’ worth of phlegm out of their throats. At least they waited ‘til 7 a.m. both days to start. That was considerate of them.

I never hear Neighbors to the South, and they have a brand-new baby. Like just out of the oven, fresh baby. I think it still has the tags on it. I have not heard that baby cry once, yet I’ve heard my other neighbor dropping (what sounds like) his marble collection into a tin can at three in the morning.

Last night as I was singing Stairway to Heaven in the shower- complete with new lyrics featuring my cat roommate Willow- I realized that if I could hear Lotion-in-the Basket guy in his place, there was a good chance he could hear me vocally raping Led Zeppelin songs.

So I sang louder.

Dear Anonymous Benefactor,

So I know you are out there, just waiting to do something utterly unselfish for me. I know how it must trouble you so to think you can’t do anything to make me smile, I can feel your anguish.

But there IS something you can do for me, sweet, sweet Benefactor. Get me that fuckin'awesomely gorgeous bedding from Restoration Hardware.

It’s nothing I could allow myself to buy. I would feel guilty just pulling the $250 duvet cover over my head each night. I wouldn’t be able to even lay my head upon the $80 sateen pillow cases or enjoy a glass of cherry kool-aid while nestled between the two fluffy, down-filled $90 pillows

But if you were to buy it for me, I could enjoy sliding between the Italian-framed sateen sheets that costs the same as my monthly student loan payment. I would spend all day watching the clock ‘til it was a socially appropriate, non-geezerly time to go to bed each night.

And I would allow you to do this for me Wonderful, Anonymous Benefactor. It would be the least I could do to make you happy.

Please let me know if there is anything else you’d like to buy me as well. No gift is too extravagant or expensive. If it makes you happy.

Sincerely,

Leana a.k.a Your Pip

The First Thing The Dude's Ever Done Right

AP: Ex-Iowa Gov. Vilsack ending '08 bid

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say

I had been doing so well with the updating of the blog. But as of late, I haven't really had anything worthy of putting fingers to keyboard. I've had a couple "oh, I should write about this" moments, but when I finally got to my computer I realized "umm, not so much interesting to anyone but me." And you might not be able to tell from previous blogs, but I actually take that into consideration.

But, in the interest of not being an absentee- blogger, here's a couple of my latest random moments that may not necessitate an entire blog:

• Still doing the Team in Training fundraising. Please donate some money so my webpage doesn’t look as lame. I think I’m going to start spotlighting those that have donated, perhaps giving them each their own blog entry and telling them how wonderful they are. Yes…I think I will.

• Got my taxes done. Home ownership RULES! I was wondering when I’d be able to see the fruits of my painful labor, and finally, four years in, I’m seeing them. And they look like Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson. Cha-ching!

• My boyfriend is still awesome. I’m extremely happy to have him in my life, and even happier that I'm in a place where I can appreciate a great guy like him. The 2002 version of Leana would have been a total See You Next Tuesday to him and inevitably driven him away. I guess turning 30 changes a gal. (I could actually devote entire blogs to Ethan, but I don’t want to creep him out.)

• My roommate is way too needy. I was home sick from work two weeks ago and she took it as time for us to bond, 'cause she doesn't have a job the lazy cow. It was not time to bond, it was time for me to sit and be sick. She needs to get out and meet people. Too bad she's a cat.
  

• Bought a new amp! I now have everything I need in the trunk of my car to put together a spontaneous stand-up show. I wonder what kind of market there’d be for a "mobile comedy show?" I’d probably end up having to show a boob or something to make any real money.

Leana Nature

The weather was so nice this weekend that even I had to crawl out of my hole to enjoy. I checked out the Nature Walk at El Dorado Park this morning. It’s a pretty nice walking trail actually. They had several different trails to choose, both paved and unpaved. I, being the adventurer I am, took the unpaved trail. I felt all one with nature and shit. I saw ducks, squirrels and even a family of turtles! There was Momma Turtle, Daddy Turtle, Baby Turtle and even creepy Uncle Shelly who, if you ask me, should keep a little more distance between himself and Baby.

I was also pleased to see so many families out enjoying the trails. It was encouraging to see the moms out walking their chunky children- getting them away from the Playstation for at least a couple hours.

I may make El Dorado Park a permanent weekend handout. It’s got to be better than that crack den near PCH.

This is NOT News

I'm disgusted that the AP picked up this story. I won't lie, I enjoy hearing about the latest guy who's come out claiming to be Anna Nicole's baby-daddy, what her Will says and what's in her fridge- but seriously, her embalming? That's just beyond the pale.

Best Way to Stalk Leana

Is it April 15th Already?

Fuck, I just remembered I'm meeting with my tax lady tomorrow. I have no idea where anything is. Have I even gotten my W2s yet? Wait, aren't they called W4s? Did I save all those receipts from Goodwill? Can I write off tampons?

Payback's a Bitch!

Joe Rogan VS Carlos Mencia onstage

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Stay Away Ghost of Coffee Future!

I think I may have had the best mocha latte of my young life. It was at the Coffee Bean, it was this morning and it was in the presence of a woman wearing her sweater inside-out.

The woman was probably in her mid forties- very well put together- meaning, she put way more time in her hair and makeup that morning than I. Not that I didn’t spend minutes deciding which hair clip to use to hold my greasy hair back, but this woman obviously cared about how she looked. She was carrying a Dooney and Bourke clutch and wore more diamonds than a deck of Devin Dugan’s nudey cards.

And that’s the reason I didn’t bother telling her that her sweater was on inside out. I would have felt bad for her. I didn’t want that awkwardness that would come right after tapping her on the shoulder and gesturing toward her designer label-sticking straight up. Plus, was it really my place to point it out? And maybe that’s how it’s warn now in the older set. Maybe it’s the latest fad at the bridge club. And it was a size small; maybe she was just proud to be wearing a small. Maybe she used to be morbidly obese. But then I’d think she’d have her pants inside out too, right?

Who am I fooling? I didn’t tell her ‘cause I thought it was funny. I hope nobody told her today. I hope she didn’t discover it ‘til she finally pulled it off tonight. Then she can sit in her humiliation chair she keeps next to her bed.

The Gifts that Keep on Giving

I can’t help but feel a bit bummed out this Valentine’s Day. I’m all by myself. My Valentine and I hung out last night ‘cause he was going to be busy tonight…with his wife! Just joking…hilarious. He’s with his son and I am with my cat- which isn’t really my cat, it’s Cousin Julie’s. We did have a wonderful Valentine’s Day Eve though: one which will be recalled for years to come (by my downstairs neighbor at least.)

Being alone has gotten me reminiscing about Valentine’s Days past. One of my favorite holiday gifts was given to me by a gentleman I know still reads my blog. He got me a gold, heart shaped necklace with my initial on it. Not the L for Leana but the B for Benson. He had my last initial put on the heart. Basically, to me, he was saying “Benson is always going to be your last name, it’s never going to be mine. And less you forget it, I’ve had it engraved in gold.” It’s the greatest gift ‘cause it’s become the cornerstone to a ton of my greatest bits I tell on stage to this day.

My worst Valentine’s Day gift was from my beau last year. He got me an electric screw driver and a cup holder for my car. Romance died that day. ‘Nuff said.

This year allowed me to add even more comedy gold to the arsenal. Sorry Ethan, you’ve made it into the act! ‘Cause you know how I found out I wasn’t getting flowers from my Valentine today? When I was walking him out to his car this morning we saw a guy delivering flowers and he turns and says to me “You don’t like flowers, do you?” You can’t write that shit.

Thinking Ahead

Boyfriend and I were discussing burial versus cremation the other night (‘cause we’re kinky like that yo.) When I was younger I never really thought about it- seeing as young people are invincible and never die. As I got older and had to start dealing with the death of extended family and the old, diabetic neighbor next door, I just naturally assumed I’d be buried like them.

Now, as an adult, I’ve been considering cremation. It’s so much simpler.- just light a match. To be contrary I said to Boyfriend, “I don’t want to be cremated, what if I’m not really dead and I get burned alive?” To which he replied, “and it would be better to be buried alive under 6 feet of dirt?!?”

Excellent point. I’m about 100% sure that people who are declared dead in the United States, embalmed and buried or burned, are indeed dead. I think, when I take into account my own personal beliefs and faith, it all comes down to whether or not I want to be a brain eating zombie.

Part of me wouldn’t mind rising with the army of undead and wreaking havoc on the poor, unfortunate landlocked living. You can’t go around snacking on brains if you’re a pile of sand. Unless of course I can somehow reconfigure myself into some kind of sand creature, but even then I don’t think I’d have the brain eating implements needed.

But do I really want to be a walking meat puppet? I mean, sure it would be something new, and I‘m always willing to try anything once, but I’m also really high-maintenance when it comes to my hair. I’m sure my hair would be all dry and flat and impossible to tame. I just really don’t want people looking at me as I crawl down the street, dragging my rotten corpse along behind me, and think “gawd, she’s really let herself go.”

So I’m definitely going with the cremation.

Walk Like A Man

So I'm going to walk in the San Diego Rock-n-Roll marathon this June. I'm doing it through The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team In Training program. We meet every Saturday morning at 7 a.m. and walk.

I wish I had really realized how far 26.2 miles was before I signed up for this thing. It's a long, long way away.

But, I'm totally going to do it. And I'm going to try to raise some money for a good cause. So if you have a couple bucks, please go to my training website to do it online. It's tax deductible and it's for a good cause.

I'll keep you all up to date on how it's going.

Thank you for your support.

Candle in the Wind- Take #13

I Could Think of Worse Ways to Go

I'd like to believe they were sleeping....

Game On!

Two nights. Two episodes of Jeopardy's Teen Tournament. Two correct final Jeopardy questions for The Leana. Screw you Mr. Hornung!*

*Mr. Hornung was the worthless piece of crap guidance councilor that was employed by the Madrid Community School district while I was in attendance. I’m sure he’s still out there somewhere crushing the dreams of young adults…and leaving his wife sexually unsatisfied.

Blog Neglect

I’m a horrible Blog mother. I can’t believe The Office of Diaries and Journals hasn’t shown up to take her away from me.

But I figure my blog is only a couple years old- she won’t remember all this in a few years. Maybe in 15 years she’ll rebel and get a tattoo or something.

So here’s a few little updates and random thoughts.

1) I like Arby’s French fries the best. I like them even better then the ones at McDonalds. Yeah I said it. And I’ve made my peace with it.

2) The geriatric spinster in Unit 614 is going to die one of two ways: a) by collapsing under her own weight and having her flock of birds peck at her flesh until all that’s left is an old corpse or b) by the angry Mexican in 615 who’s had an assload of that woman’s annoyingly loud birds.

3) I can’t get the hot water to turn completely off in my shower. What once was a slow drip has turned into a steady stream of hot water. And, according to Dad and confirmed by Boyfriend, you don’t wanna even fuck with the faucet if you can’t turn off the main valve thingy. My bathroom has turned into a greenhouse. Upside: my closet pot plants have a new home.

4) Louis CK is one funny fuck. I wish I had come up with “suck a bag of dicks.” Genius.

5) Horatio Sanz made a guest appearance on SNL this week and didn’t suck the funny out of the room. Perhaps he’s learned a lesson. That doesn’t mean I want him back on SNL, but I’m willing to give the guy props when props are due.

6) I might actually pre-order the last Harry Potter book. Shut up.