My Last Post...

...of 2006 that is.

I'm excited to begin a new year. This one has pretty much sucked the big one. But I have high hopes for 2007.

I wish all my readers a healthy and happy New Year. And stay safe tonight- I don't want to lose any readers ;)

I Can't Even Deal

At Albertson's this afternoon I stumbled upon the isle of Valentine's Day crap. It's not even
January! I don't know why I'm constantly surprised at how far in advance retailers move onto the next holiday, but I am. I think they call it righteous indignation. I'm often indignant, but it's not often that I can be indignant righteously. I like it.

Shit! You Know it Happens in Threes...

1) James Brown






2) Gerald Fold







3) Who's next????

Where Are All My Peeps?

I think I have some readers out there. I actually KNOW I have some readers out there. Michele??? Wilson??? (thanks for the holiday card BTW, Wilson, your baby is so cute.)

Why doesn't anybody leave me any comments? It's lonely up here on my pedestal.

How about this: you throw out a topic, and I'll write on it. This should be fun - or completely humiliating if nobody responds :(

Happy Anniversary to ME!

Christmas Day marked my eighth year in California. I thought I’d take a little stock of what I’ve accomplished since my journey west.

Number of Jobs: 3

Number of boyfriends (serious or otherwise): 5

Number of cars: 2

Number of apartments lived in: 6

Number of condos owned: 1

Number of paid stand up gigs: 9

Number of unpaid stand up gigs: 3,859

Number of encounters with famous (A-list only) celebrities: 3

Number of encounters with famous (non A-list) celebrities: 381

Number of earthquakes survived: 2

Number of guns shot: 2

Number of colors my hair has been: 2

Number of calls back home for money: 2

Number of “what the fuck was I thinking?” moments: 427

Number of regrets had about moving out to California: ZERO

RIP

Leana's Phone

2/4/06 - 12/24/06

Something's Blowing In the Wind

So Danny Bonaduce is going to be a regular on the Adam Carolla show on 97.1 starting January 2.

I’m not sure how I feel about this.

On one hand, I really liked Danny when he was on Star 98.7 with that skank Jamie. He was really good at reeling her in when she’d start her diarrhea of the mouth.

My worry is that he’s a very strong personality. I don’t see him playing the ‘second banana’ to Adam. And Adam doesn’t like being quiet. He’ll interrupt himself, he talks so much.

On the other hand, with the addition of Danny, they’ve also gotten rid of the two tons of dead weight- the producer Jim Brusca, and the human leach Fat Tad. Tad’s annoyed me since his days on the Kevin and Bean show.

I will miss Dave Dameshek, the sports guy. While I never paid attention to the spots, and was annoyed at how much Dave sounded like Adam, I grew to enjoy him and his offhanded comments.

I think a better choice than Danny Bonaduce would have been DAG (David Allen Greer). That guy is hella-funny. I used to think he was obnoxious, but -like Homer Simpson, I've learned to appreciate him.

Fortunately Teresa Strasser was spared the ax. I think she’s terrific. She really holds her own with the guys and her witty remarks really make the show.

I’m not entirely sure why I’m blogging about this. I think it’s ‘cause this show is a pretty big part of my life. I listen to it every morning at the gym and at work. If you think about it, I spend about four hours of my day with these people.

How sad is that? (Rhetorical question, thank you very much.)

I Got Carded

So I'm sick. I stayed home from work and slept the bulk of the day away.

I finally got around to getting up and out around 2 p.m. to get some cold-fighting implements. I picked up a box of cough syrup at Target and the girl at the register carded me. What the hell?

Besides the fact that it's a $1.98 box of cough syrup, I totally looked way over 18. I was sick, coughing, makeup-less and grouchy. I probably could have gotten the senior citizen discount at McDonald's today.

The Greatest New Christmas Song

I saw this on SNL. I defy you to not have this song stuck in your head for hours after listening to it.




They use the "D" word so, don't be all playing this when your boss is around.

Enjoy!

Sofakingcold

My wall heater is broken. And before you ask, no, it’s not just the pilot light going out like last time- this time I think it’s really busted.

And it couldn’t have happened on a colder weekend. I’m freezing my ass off right now. I can totally understand what those Pilgrims went through when they landed at that place a long time ago.

Of course it was raining last night; cold, wet and freakin’ loud. I finally had to crawl out of bed at 3 am and pass out on the living room sofa just to get away from the metallic ‘drip, drip, drip’ of the rain hitting my downstairs’ neighbor Jose’s stupid grill. Note to self, Kill Jose.

I called my friend Liz in Chicago to get some sympathy this morning, but got none. “Gee you’re in California, how could can it get?” Let me tell you sister, pretty FUCKIN’ cold.

So I got my oven going in hopes of generating a little heat. I’ve also donned about 3 layers of clothing. I actually think it’s warmer outside than it is in my converted lunch cooler of a house.

But at least I’m fighting off the cold. That’s the icing on my coffin.

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday. I’m going to stick my head in the stove. (For warmth, not for suicide. That’s what the pills are for silly.)

The Cat Reads My Blog

The Cat Reads My Blog

After posting my message last night I went about my
business and right before bed I did the usual "reach
into the cat’s under-bed lair in a vain attempt to give her a
pet."  But last night I was actually able to reach her
and give her ears a good rub.

So I got ready for bed, turned off the light and
happened to look down towards the floor, and I see
Willow staring at me. I put my hand out and she walked
right up to me. I gave her quite the petting. After
about five minutes I was like “well that was fun, I’m
going to bed.”

So I turn over and close my eyes…then suddenly, I hear
the patter of feet and then, she tried jumping on my
bed!  Unfortunately my bed is up too high, so she was
only able to catch a pillow and fall backwards. That
was the end of that.

So now, it seems, instead of being in a loveless
marriage, I’m stuck with a needy girlfriend.

I can’t win.

Bosom Buddies

I was lunching with Cousin Stephanie today and we were discussing my current charge, Willow the Cat. I’m responsible for her until Cousin Julie returns from India.

But I’ve been a little disenchanted with my first experience as an adult pet owner. The cat has been hiding under my bed since she appeared nearly three weeks ago. I only see her when she makes a ruckus in the middle of the night and I catch a glimpse of her through blurry eyes.

While speaking with Cousin Stephanie I was finally able to articulate how I was feeling. This cat is like a dead beat roommate! Seriously, it’s like the person who lives with you, but doesn’t pay rent, lays around all day and expects me to pick up her shit. LITERALLY! I’m constantly scooping, pouring food into a bowl and picking up pounds of cat hair.

And I’m not getting any of the benefits. No snuggling, no purring no cat kisses. Wait, maybe it’s more like being in a loveless marriage.

I must work on my analogies.

After The Rain....

...Long Beach smells like wet cat

Let the Grazing Begin

It’s the Christmas season. That means only one thing at my office-the cavalcade of chocolate has begun.

Our vendors, partners and friends of the company will spend this month inflicting all kinds of candy confections upon us. Just today the association for records managers, with whom we dump tons of money into, sent us several boxes of Ghirardelli chocolate and our printer dropped off THREE freakin’ pounds of See’s candies.

But I did not partake. I was able to abstain from it all. My will was strong today and I feel like I’ve won a great victory.

However, it’s only the 7th of December. I’m not sure how long I can keep up the good fight. I know that if I eat even one piece of chocolate it will be the end of me. I have no self control, especially where chocolate is concerned. Chocolate and me have a checkered past, to say the least.

But I will try. That’s all I can do. That or take the next three weeks off work.

Yap this!

I really, really hate those EarthLink commercials with the couples talking about how EarthLink allows them to “zip and yap.”

Who refers to quickly navigating the Internet as “zipping?” And who calls talking on the phone yapping? Nobody I’d want to hang out with. I’ve never zipped or yapped in my life, and now I’m never going to use EarthLink.

Timely?

Remember the Ben Johnson steroid controversy from the freakin' 1988 Summer Olympics? If you're like me, the answer is... barely. Now Johnson is claiming that Carl Lewis had a friend slip something into his beer in the waiting room, right before the drug testing.

My Spidey sense is tingling:

First, why would anyone drink a beer while waiting to take a drug test?
Second, why wait 18 years to mention it?
And lastly, if this is true, why hasn't Gloria Alred gotten involved?

So Cute!

Ghost Cat

Cousin Julie warned me about the cat. She said for at least the first three weeks I would probably never see the cat, as she’ll remain hidden under the bed. And when she did finally come out, she probably wouldn’t let me pet her or look her in the eyes.

I was like, “am I going to be cat sitting for you, or babysitting Jennifer Lopez?”

True to form, I have probably seen the cat three times since I got her nearly two weeks ago. I saw her more before she discovered the depths of my awesome wall-to-wall closet. The only way one would even know there was a cat in my house is by seeing the litter box, the continually emptying cat dish and the torrents of fur she leaves throughout the house.

Seriously, last night I got home and there was a circular area of fur in the middle of the living room. It looked like the cat had actually exploded, and all was left was a crop circle of hair.

Oh, that and when she decides to run around like a cracked out teenager at three in the morning. That’s when she usually does her grooming and eating and, I believe, planning my murder. Of course when I wake up and look around she immediately dives for the closet.

SO I have a plan: tonight, I wait up. When she least expects it, I’ll pounce. Then I’ll give her the petting of her life! She’ll have to love me then.

I better make a pot of coffee, it’s going to be a long night.

Sign of The Slut

We got a new toaster in the break room. The old one was brought over on the Mayflower and took forever to toast. Whenever I’d use it, I’d put the bread in the toaster, go down the hall to the bathroom, check my mailbox and came back, with time to spare.

The office handyman offered me the old toaster but I decided it was way more than I needed. It’s a four-sliced toaster, and I’m a single gal who lives alone.

A four-sliced toaster in a single girl’s house just screams, “I’m a whore who will have you over, screw you and then make you a BLT.” I might as well put up a neon sign in my front window or a ‘take a ticket’ machine at my front door.