Skool Daze

I keep having dreams that take place in my high school. It’s usually in the large cafeteria/study hall area. I’m there, and sometimes Mr. Hinkle, the varsity football coach, is sitting at his desk reading the paper. But the rest of cast is all people from my office.

Don’t think I don’t get the symbolism in all that. The petty arguments, the cliques, the backstabbing- they don’t end in school. If anything it gets worse. Except now the hours are longer and I have credit cards.

House Party 5?

The neighbor to my right is having a gathering of sorts next door. It's only 9:30 but I'm annoyed. Mainly annoyed 'cause they are loud and every two minutes one of them comes outside to make a cell phone call RIGHT in front of my dining room window. Dude, if you'd rather talk to the person on the phone than the people at the party, perhaps you should leave the party.

Plus the neighbor is an old queen who creeps me the fuck out!

*will now double bolt my door and polish gun.

It Walks Among Us

I'm alive. No lasting affects from the pinkish chicken. Just to prove it, I've managed to eat about 50 tootsie rolls!

God Bless America

The Chicken Dance

I think I ate some undercooked chicken...not feeling bad per se, but that last piece looked a bit pink. If you don't hear from me again, tell my family I love them.

And avenge my death!!!

I Live With a Cat

Alternative Title: Where is that smell coming from?

So I'm catsitting for reals. Julie is about to leave for India and for some reason she doesn't trust her cat home alone for three months. Tisk, Tisk.

I don't know how her cat is taking to the new digs though. I'm worried that she's feeling abandoned. I've pulled out all her toys and her yummy (I'm guessing) cat food, but all she seems to want to do is curl up in a ball in the corner behind my tv.

Even my singing hasn't coaxed her out of her cat coma.

Oh wait, I can see her peering out from behind my stack of Family Guy DVDs...

One Moment in Time

I was walking around my neighborhood today and I overheard a guy outside on his cell phone. These were his exact words: “So, did you just cut that part out or did you eat the whole pie?”
Let that just sit there and gel.

I wanted so badly to ask him, “What? What was in the pie? "

But I missed my chance, and now I'm just left with the questions...

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Dear Migraine,

Hey you! I know I haven’t called or written or stopped by for tea, but I’ve been kind of busy. You know-with work and stand up and Must-See-TV-Thursdays. (Did you hear they moved Scrubs to Thursday? I KNOW.) I really just have not had time to spend laying in the dark with a wet washcloth over my eyes.

It’s not that I don’t like you migraine, it’s just that you always drop by unannounced. And after you’ve shown up you mess up my place and leave me all frazzled. And recently you don’t just come over to say hi, you move in and won’t leave. I have a life, Migraine! I can’t be tied down.

So if you don’t mind, I think we should just be apart for awhile. I took a couple of muscle relaxers and a Tylenol PM. I can already see a bit more clearly-literally.

Yeah, well, I better get going, I have some…’um… stuff to do. Listen, take care of yourself ok?

-Leana

It's Gettin' Hot in Her'

It's 90 degrees out!

It's November!!

It's Global Warming at its finest!!!

Best Quote I Heard Today

It's Classic!

"Why won’t those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?"

-Homer J. Simpson

Ask Me About My Wiener

Isn't she precious? Have I mentioned that I really, really want a wiener dog. This one is part Greyhound and her name is Lisa!

I'm going to be pet sitting for Cousin Julie for three months while she jets off to India to bathe lepers or whatever it is she does.

It's a cat, but I think it will be a good 'starter' pet for me, to see if I can handle caring for another breathing animal.

If Julie returns and I haven't totally traumatized her pet, and I'm not sick of quadrupeds, I'll begin my search in earnest. Right now I'm just window shopping for pets.

Sick and Twisted

I bet I could fake out a lie detector. Not that I've done anything that would require me to need to take a lie detector test but I think I could keep my heart rate the same and not move around too much. And if I couldn't, I'd just say it was 'cause I wasn't really paying attention.

Screw That!

I spent twenty minutes trying to get that fuckin' $12.95 sewing machine to do even one stitch. I forgot how much I hate sewing. The thread kept coming out of the needle.

So fuck it. I'll just take my stupid track pants to the dry cleaners. They do mending too.

My mom would be sooooo ashamed of me.

Now I have to either eat the $12.95 or go back to Wal-Mart. I don't know if my immune system can take another visit.

I See Poor People

I made the number one mistake in shopping this evening: I went to Wal-Mart. Gawd that place sucks the big one. Even the parking lot is shitty.

But it was closer than Target and I was on a mission for a cheap sewing machine to mend all my workout pants. For some reason I’m always ripping them at the inseam. Am I sharing too much?

But I digress. Wal-Mart is just foul. The people that shop there; the people that work there; the merchandise. It seems more like a third world country than a shopping establishment. I felt overdressed in there and I had just come from my ‘Jump, Pump "N" Jab' class at the Long Beach Parks and Recs Center. I was wearing my grossest workout gear and covered in dried sweat and shame.

It was so awful in there that I had hoped to see some humanitarian aid come in and take care of the huddled masses around the automotive section. Where’s Wal-Mart’s Live Aid! Apparently they don’t take all the money they aren’t paying their employees and put it back into the actual physical building. And their products are pretty crappy. I have no faith that the $12.95 I threw down for the Wal-Mart-brand, pink, mini sewing machine will work.

But at least I didn’t get diphtheria. or The Hep. At least I hope I didn't...

To Be Continued...

Totally 80s-It's Been a Rough Ride

I'm so tired of seeing that Totally 80s Trivial Pursuit commercial. The jingle is just catchy enough to be stuck in my head for days.

And every time it came on I'd have to stare at it to figure out who the people in the commercial were. I'm a child of the 80s and the only people I recognized were Kelly Lebrock, Corey Feldman and Mrs. Garrett. The one chick I totally couldn't recognize was the little blond in the cowboy hat and too-tight dress.

I finally broke down and went to the Trivial Pursuit website to find out.

It's Charlene Tilton! Woah. They really made her like shitty. And the dude in the beach hat is Philip Michael Thomas from Miami Vice. I had NOOO Idea.

But I guess if you looked back at a photo from me in 1983 people would be surprised. Of course I was seven....

Give Me Hillary!

I would vote for a pink-haired troll doll before I'd vote for Tom Vilsack.

You Win Corporate America

I'm going to have to break down and get cable. This only-one-channel-coming-in-and-it's -the-stinkin'-CW has got to end. I just watched two episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond, back to back. Can't do it, can't.**

"But you don't have to watch television at home," interjects Co-worker Bill. To that I cock my head and give a confused look and say "Wha??? No watchy t.v.?" What else is there in life but the sweet, sweet glow of the square tube?

And I have gotten my ex to give me his smaller, yet completely functioning, television before he jets off to New York. I just explained to him that giving me his t.v. so that I have TWO in a one-bedroom apartment, makes more sense than to give it to Goodwill. Totally makes sense to me.

So I'll wait to get cable so they can set it up in both my bedroom and livingroom (no, I'm not Paris Hilton or one of the Rockefellers). Then the party really begins.

I may never leave the house again.



**Although I did watch part of an old episode of According to Jim and found it quite clever. Good for you little brother of John.

Better Than Anything on the CW Tonight

Check it out.

Mamma's Trying To Watch Her Stories

I finally got around to hooking my television and DVD player up. For the past couple weeks I've just been listening to the fine folks at KFI. While I now know who to vote for and how high that wall down south is going to be, it's still not the same as that glowing talky box.

Of course I don't have cable yet, so when I hooked it up to the antenna I discovered the only channel that comes in is the CW. This whole experience is just one big F-you from the Universe.

Leana Benson Living

To those looking to find a new way (and who isn’t?) to froth milk for your latte, your cappuccino, what have you...may I recommend the $2.99 hand-held one you can find in the gigantic impulse buy bin at IKEA?

It's just fabulous. You can take about 1/2 a cup of milk and froth it into nearly a cup and half of fabulous foam. Or, if you’re like me, you can froth about a gallon of chocolate milk into a bathtub of Saturday night fun.

And it's only $2.99, did I mention that?

It's a good thing.

Craig's List Blows

I've had nothing but bad experiences with Craig's List. I've decided it's just a hang out for flakes and weirdos.

The most recent experience: Trying to sell my stinkin' fridge.

It's a perfectly good fridge that I bought in 2003 when I moved into my condo. The only reason I'm even selling it is 'cause I have a new one I bought for the new place I moved into, then moved out of a short two months later. Now I have two fridges. So I put it up on Craig's List, asking a paltry $150, and I got several inquirers, but when it came to them coming to see it, they disappeared. Then the one chick I actually thought was going to come through and buy it, 'called asking if there "were glass shelves...'cause the wire shelves might be a problem if there is spillage...." WTF? It's a $150 fridge in perfectly good condition. What the fuck do you want? So she flaked too.

I've had other bad experiences. When it came to looking for said apartment, trying to find renters for my condo, trying to find a fridge for MY new place I kept coming across people who wouldn't reply to my e-mail or voicemail, and the ones that did were complete assholes.

My company's had bad experiences with Craig's List too. They put up help wanted ads that have brought in the freakest freaks that have ever freaked.

I can't believe anyone else had any better experience with this stupid ass site. Yet every time I mention buying, selling or looking for anything, people are constantly asking me "Have you tried Craig's List?" In the future, my answer to this question will always be "Hell no, Craig's List can suck my ass." And it can.