This Bitch Hauls Ass

I was driving to work this morning and ended up at a light behind a Saturn. It was an older Saturn than mine, most likely a 1997 based on the color. Anyone who owns or has shopped for a Saturn knows that they often only make certain models in certain colors, and I don’t recall gold being too popular a color recently. It was a coop like mine, but not nearly as cool as it didn’t have the ‘super-secret third door.’

On the back window of the car the woman had put a sticker that read, “This Bitch Hauls Ass.” I knew it was a woman driver, because no straight man would drive a Saturn coop, and because I could see her big-ass pony tail.

There are so many things wrong with the sticker, but I won’t turn this into a novel. The most worthy of note is the fact that she would actually put it on her car to begin with. I mean, come on White Trash Wanda, couldn’t you find a respectable Calvin peeing on Hobbes to use instead?

But also, it’s too ambiguous. Does the sticker refer to the car or the driver? Does it mean that the car is really, super-duper fast, or just that the driver has a large butt? It left me confused and angry at not having answers.

But what I found most troublesome with the sticker was that no Saturn has ever, in the history of Saturn-kind, been accused of being able to “haul-ass.” My car goes from 0-60 in about 5 minutes. And don’t even get me started on pick up. Going up even the smallest of grades takes the sauce out of my car. On that stretch of freeway passed the Getty Center on the 405N I will get spanked by every auto on the road, even those little white trucks piled with gardening supplies. And to even get it over the little hills I have to make sure my air conditioning and radio are off, so that all my car’s energy are at work to move it forward.

So, unless the chick in the Saturn was being facetious, or even sarcastic, I have to say to her “BOOOOOOOOOO”