I Said Don't Squeeze the Charmin

I hate false advertising. Saying that using Quilted Northern toilet paper is like ‘wiping your ass on a cloud’ is wrong. I can’t prove it, as I have never wiped my ass on a cloud, but I feel comfortable enough to call bullshit.

Likewise, I think any company that promises consumers that their product is ‘age-defying” should be taken out back and shot.

But those people at Frito-Lay were right on the ball when they named their new Cheetos brand “flaming hot.” Mother fucker are these things hot. I burned my fingers just grabbing one out of the bag. They were so hot I actually got a burn on my retina from looking directly at them. They were so hot that I gargled with coffee to take the edge off. You get the picture.

Frito-Lay say their new Cheetos “Asteroids” are “XXtra Flamin’ Hot.” Dear Mother of God NOOOO! Two X hot? How can this be legal? I will never doubt the Frito-Lay people again. If they tell me Ruffles have ridges I will believe them. If they say cool ranch Doritos are even cooler I will take that into consideration before I buy. If they say their new line of Funyuns are so good they might ‘cause miscarriages… I’ll keep that in mind in a pinch.….