Hey Cupid, Suck it!
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. To me it’s just another day I won’t be getting a gift, but for millions out there under the delusion that love exists, there will be gift giving galore. Because, as you know, love can be quantified by the price and value of a gift. So for those of you, here is my list of the top 5 WORST Valentine’s Days EVER. Either use these as a cautionary list to avoid, or if you really hate your sweetie, please feel free to buy-there is still time.
Flowers. What’s the point? They look pretty for a couple days, then die; then you end up feeling guilty about throwing them away. I’d rather have the cash.
Clothing of any kind. Unless you know what size your partner wears. If you get too big she’ll think you think she’s fat; if you buy too small she’ll think she’s fat. Either way you ain’t getting any that night.
A stuffed animal. Are you serious? Are we in 5th grade? What am I going to do with a stuffed animal, put it in my pile of other shit I can’t throw away? And you think it’s cool for a guy to have a stuffed animal lying around his bachelor pad? Wouldn’t a neon sign that says “whipped” be more appropriate? Take that crap back to the car wash where you bought it and try to get your $5.99 back.
Candy. Nothing says “I racked my brain for something to get you, but either I don’t know you well enough, or I just don’t care enough, but I couldn’t think of anything,” like candy. And especially don’t give that gift in tandem with the clothing. You’re just adding insult to injury.
A gift from the star registry. What a shitty gift. “Here honey, I bought you a STAR!” What the fuck??? A star? How freakin’ lame. Especially if you live in or around Los Angeles? When is the last time any of us have seen a star? “Take my word for it Pookie Bear it’s right up there.” Why don’t you just take a crap and tell your lady that you named that after her and save yourself the $54?
Flowers. What’s the point? They look pretty for a couple days, then die; then you end up feeling guilty about throwing them away. I’d rather have the cash.
Clothing of any kind. Unless you know what size your partner wears. If you get too big she’ll think you think she’s fat; if you buy too small she’ll think she’s fat. Either way you ain’t getting any that night.
A stuffed animal. Are you serious? Are we in 5th grade? What am I going to do with a stuffed animal, put it in my pile of other shit I can’t throw away? And you think it’s cool for a guy to have a stuffed animal lying around his bachelor pad? Wouldn’t a neon sign that says “whipped” be more appropriate? Take that crap back to the car wash where you bought it and try to get your $5.99 back.
Candy. Nothing says “I racked my brain for something to get you, but either I don’t know you well enough, or I just don’t care enough, but I couldn’t think of anything,” like candy. And especially don’t give that gift in tandem with the clothing. You’re just adding insult to injury.
A gift from the star registry. What a shitty gift. “Here honey, I bought you a STAR!” What the fuck??? A star? How freakin’ lame. Especially if you live in or around Los Angeles? When is the last time any of us have seen a star? “Take my word for it Pookie Bear it’s right up there.” Why don’t you just take a crap and tell your lady that you named that after her and save yourself the $54?
1 Comments:
At 8:28 AM,
SeriouslyNoWay said…
Word sista!
Although I do enjoy flowers because they're pretty and then they die, thus eliminating the need to find a permanent spot for knick knacky gifts. Candy just sits around taking up space too. A nice dinner out, tasteful jewelry, trip to vegas--these are fun gifts.
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