The Ballad of Leana Rae

My junior year of college I auditioned for a part
in The Importance of Being Earnest. It was between me and one other girl for the part-it’s been so long I can’t remember which, either Miss Prism, the Governess, or Lady Bracknell. Whichever one was supposed to have the bigger ass, I’m sure.

I remember having to read my part with this douche bag Phillip Marten. He was a real theatre wanna-be. He was friends with this other theater rat, Tim, and they’d always be having these long, moronic discussions about who was the better actor: DeNiro or Pacino. I hated them both (Phillip and Tim, not Bobby and Al), but I hated Phillip more.

We rehearsed before the audition in the hallway of the auditorium. Right before we went on stage he turns and says to me, “If you don’t get this part, I hope you’ll keep auditioning.” What a fuckin’ asshole thing to say. I was already nervous as hell. I’d only been in one other play at ISU and it was just a small, supporting role. I thought “what does he know that I don’t ? I must be horrible if he’s saying this to me.” He totally got into my head. I felt like a piece of shit when I went out on stage. I couldn’t even look at him as we did our scene.

Of course I didn’t get the part. And I was too intimidated to say anything to the guy at the time. I thought he knew more than me. I wish I had said something. I wish I could go back right now and tell the guy to stick it up his ass.

I think about that moment and wonder if I’ve really come that far. If I could really say that now. I still think I put too much weight into what others think of me. I guess, if I plan to do stand up as more than just a hobby, that I’m going to have to get over it. Everyone gets booed. Not everyone is going to like Leana’s brand of comedy™. I’m going to have to get over the shit that the Phillip Marten’s of the world throw at me. Otherwise I’ll be done before I even start.

Interestingly, I didn’t remember the dude’s name so I had to go back to the ol’ ISU theatre page to look it up. HE didn’t get a part in the play either! What a maroon. I hope, as he’s flipping burgers at the little café in the bowling alley near Ames, that he remembers that moment as fondly as I do.